Trains Not Subway

Wife: Just give me the whole chicken.
Hubby: The what?
Wife: I asked for the whole chicken and that’s what I wanted. Is that too much to ask?
Hubby: What were you going to do with a whole chicken?
Wife: …it’s just principle.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: B.E.

Asian kid #1: That was your first shot and you didn’t even drink it.
Asian kid #2: I did drink it. It just took me a long time.
Asian kid #1: It’s your fucking birthday. You’re supposed to be unconscious. You should have done that shit. I bought that shot for you, man. If someone bought me a shot and I had had sixteen drinks, I would drink it anyway, just for the principle.

–9th street PATH Station

Conductor: This is the last train. You have no other options, this is it. Get on this train.

–Metro North Rail

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet off the seats on this train. They belong on the floor; that's why it's there. If you can't put your feet on the floor because your luggage is there, don't worry: we took care of that too. Look up. That thing above your head is a luggage rack.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Announcement on NJ transit train: If you have young children, please take them…by the hand when leaving the train.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: JerseyJR

Train conductor: This is 18th Street, if this is your stop…get up! Give up that seat!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Chris K… at 11pm

Amtrak conductor: We are experiencing engine problems and need to change trains. But I want you to know that we have lost no altitude.

–Amtrak Train

Conductor, philosophical about delayed train: We don't usually have this type of delay at this time of day. But, well, here we are… (train starts to move) Aha! Here it is!

–A Train

Overheard by: Katie J

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, do you know where you are? (passengers are silent) I do! Hudson, next stop.

–Amtrak Train, Leaving Penn Station

Teen girl #1: So, my friend’s dad died. I feel like I should send her something — y’know, just to make her feel better. Only I don’t know her so well, so I’m not sure what to get her. Chocolate, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dunno. Chocolate doesn’t sound like such a good idea. When people are depressed they buy chocolate and eat way too much of it and get really fat.
Teen girl #1: Ummm, I don’t think that’s really true.
Teen girl #2: … I can attest to it.


Overheard by: sugarnspice

College girl #1: So you’re saying that if you didn’t meet her at such a vulnerable time in your life, you wouldn’t be a lesbian?
College girl #2: Right.


Overheard by: kdavs

Four-year-old #1 holding out a gummy snack: Is this a Pygmy Marmoset?
Four-year-old #2: That’s a elephant!
Four-year-old #2’s mom: It’s an elephant.
Four-year-old #1: Ugh. I wanted a Pygmy Marmoset.

–Metro-North to Grand Central

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I'm in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don't love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!

–49th & 11th

Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine's Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says "I love you" like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother-in-law's face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!

–Metro North Train

Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell-o.

–St. John's University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn't fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

–Jackson Heights

Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I'm in love, she's like the whole package! She's pretty, she's fuckable, and she can cook!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tim

Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!

–Riverside Church

Overheard by: Stephanie

Jock #1: Don’t you dare tell me that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. I’ll kick your ass.
Jock #2: Shut up, you know he doesn’t exist.
Jock #1: Then who the hell puts the presents under the tree?!
Jock #2: Your mom does!
Jock #3: I’d totally do your mom. No lie.
Jock #2: Me, too.
Jock #1: Santa exists, dammit!

–Midtown Direct train

Overheard by: Believes

B&T daughter: Let's move to the front, we still have eight minutes.
B&T mother: Oh my god, are we moving?!
Random guy: Uh, that's the other train that's moving.

–LIRR Train

Girl #1: Where is he from, anyway?
Girl #2: I dunno, he's from Fort Dallas or something.
Girl #1: He's from some fort town.
Girl #2: Well, there's Dallas-Fort Worth, but that's, like, a big city. (pause) He's from wherever Kelly Clarkson's from.
Girl #1: Oh, okay!


Overheard by: openmic