Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade."

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Dashing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ED

Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.

–F Train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Posted on September 11, 2021
Abortion, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Education, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Jews, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Queer guys, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Subway conductors, Trains Not Subway, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?

Posted on August 26, 2021
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Black People, Brooklyn College, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guidos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

That Was You, Cammy

Hysterical girl #1: What stop is next?
Hysterical girl #2: Tuckahoe.
Hysterical girl #3: I tucked a hoe in my pants once.

–Metro North Railroad

Posted on June 17, 2021
Directions, Girls, Private Parts, Questions, Trains Not Subway

What Not to Wednesday One-Liner

Hipster girl: Look, just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to dress like a fifth grader.

–Union Pool, Brooklyn

Vain fag, looking at pants: I really love these shorts, I hope they’re *in* this summer…

–LIRR

Guy wearing bright green leather clogs: No, I’d never wear crocs. They’re ugly.

–Forest Hills Gardens, Queens

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Goth girl: Let’s buy fur coats and throw paint on ourselves.

–Bloomingdale’s

Disembodied voice: Yo, these are mom jeans. I hate that shit! The waist goes all the way up to your stomach and then it makes a little V-neck pouch for your vagina. I hate that shit!

–Fitting Rooms, Gap in Herald Square

Overheard by: Zarya

[Waiting in line for the washroom.]Lady, bawling her eyes out: Sorry, I ordered this jacket, and it’s two sizes too big!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Tracy

Posted on May 25, 2021
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Fashionistas, Girls, Goths, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Queer guys, Store, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards

Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.

–PATH Train

Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.

–E 11th St

Overheard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!

–Bedford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Borders, Wall St

Overheard by: step

Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Outside Barrymore Theatre

Overheard by: Pasta…Salad

Posted on May 13, 2021
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Black People, Boyfriends, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gossip, Guys, Insults, Movies, Music, Myspace, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Politics, Race, Sports, Store, Suits, Theater, Trains Not Subway, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village

And It'll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Actually Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Real New Yorkers hate LA. I'm sure I'd hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la's terrible. I wouldn't mind living in San Francisco, though, because I was baptized there.
Girl #3: I don't know, LA's kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Overheard by: bunbury

Posted on April 24, 2021
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gripes, School and studying, Time, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday Conga Liners

Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Dancing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the camera in my shower.

–6th Ave & 55th St

Overheard by: Alicia

Aging badass to lady friend: Yeah, I totally got escorted out of a Tom Petty concert for dancing in the aisles.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Original Badass

Black guy: Hey everybody! Stop what you're doing! There's two black guys about to dance on this train! That's something you don't see often!

–A Train

Flamboyant gay man to friend: You can't sashay in there. There's no room to sashay at all.

–Outside LGBT Community Center, during Fur Ball

Overheard by: pandarants

Drunk Asian girl: It's always time to dance in North Korea.

–2nd St & Ave B

Posted on March 31, 2021
Dancing, Global Geography, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Public Transportation, Race, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Think of the Starving Baby Birds in Africa

Guy on cell: Yeah…right…uh huh…hold on a second.

He leans over and throws up on the sidewalk.

Guy on cell: What were you saying?

–59th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard

Woman #1: I wanna get really stoned so I can throw up.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Just to know I can.

–LIRR

Girl: I want to throw up. Like, I have some puke in the back of my throat.

–Broadway & West 4th

Overheard by: Julia

Posted on January 6, 2021
Bimbettes, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Talking/Convos, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Vomit, Weed

Unless I Got Frequent-Flyer Miles

Hoochie #1: I’m okay with abortions and everything, but I think if I had to get them every other month that’d be nasty.
Hoochie #2: Uh-huh.

–LIRR, Huntington Branch

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Posted on September 21, 2020
Abortion, Hootchies, Idiots, Politics, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Time, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.

–N Train

Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Overheard by: motivated

Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!

–R Train

Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Angela

Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Steve

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move!

–C Train

Overheard by: Patient Passenger

Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!

Posted on September 9, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Death, Directions, Food, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners

Trains Not Subway