Who’s Doomed to Wander Dark Subway Tunnels for All Eternity

Conductor: This is the shuttle to Times Square. This is not an express train. You are on the shuttle to Times Square, not an express train. Again, this is the shuttle to Times Square… Not an express train. Shuttle to Times Square…
Random thug: Shut the fuck up!
Conductor: … Not the express train. And for the lovely person who just told me to shut up, I’m in the car right next to you. Merry Christmas to all.
[Short pause.]Conductor: Except to the kid who told me to shut up.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Suburban Liz

Posted on April 20, 2023
Compare/Contrast, Default, Etiquette, Holidays, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Thugs

When Did Natural Selection Fall Out Of Favor?

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen,that yellow line on the platform is there for your safety. Please stand behind it when the train enters the station, for your safety and for my stress level. Thank you.
(next stop)
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to repeat myself, but stand behind the line! It is for your own safety! Your ignorance causes the trains to run slowly because I have to slow down to keep from hitting your ignorant self! Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Always stands behind the yellow line

Posted on February 22, 2023
Advice, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Weirdness

The Heroic Restraint of Subway Conductors

Black lady, screaming: Hold the train, hold the train!
Conductor: Why are you screaming at me?
Black lady, stopped and staring at him: I want you to hold the door so it doesn’t hit me.
Conductor: Just get on the train
Black lady: Hold the door!
Conductor: Shut up and get on the train, God I’m going to hang myself.

–A train, 59^th St

Posted on February 3, 2023
Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Subway conductors

Parkinson’s Isn’t Contagious

Man: Excuse me…I just wanted to let you know that I was walking just outside this station and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and started saying something crazy.
MTA lady: Did he take anything from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!

–Clinton‐Washington Avenues station

Overheard by: Marla Shu

Posted on January 31, 2023
Anger Management, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Subway conductors, Violence

They Just Like Watching Us Scurry

Conductor #1: The arriving N train pulling into the station will be leaving first. I repeat, the arriving N train pulling into the station will be leaving first.
Conductor #2: This is the N train!
Conductor #1: Everyone get back on the train! Everyone get back on the train!

–Ditmars Boulevard station

Posted on January 10, 2023
Astoria, On the Subway, Queens, Subway conductors

The Train Whisperer

Conductor: Because of a water main break at 53^rd Street, the last
stop on this train will be 42^nd Street.
Guy: What the fuck?

Guy on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen and conductor, the last
stop on this train will be 57^th Street. You copy that, conductor? You copy that?
Conductor: Uh, the last stop on this train will be 57^th Street. This
train will be going through 57^th Street.

–N train

Posted on October 12, 2022
On the Subway, Stupidity, Subway conductors

Wednesday Wears the One‐Liners in This Family

Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here!

–73^rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t‑shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again.

–Columbia University

Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants!

–Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza

Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bih.

Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!

–10^th & Ave B

Overheard by: Kayla K

Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Geologist

Posted on July 22, 2022
Body Parts, Clothing, Colors, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Default, Family Ties, Girls, Menstruation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Questions, Southerners, Street, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Sweat, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

He Was a JV Soccer Coach in a Former Life

Woman (slowly walking toward a train whose doors are closing): Wait, wait… Hold the doors!
(conductor closes doors, woman glares at him)
Conductor: C’mon now… If you wanna get on my train, you best show some hustle!

–Times Square Subway Station

Overheard by: hustler

Posted on March 24, 2022
Default, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Times Square, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One‐Liners Like to Move It, Move It!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us. Thank you for your patience.

–6 Train

Overheard by: little_pooh_1

Conductor: The bathrooms on this train are located four cars from the rear; count four cars as you move forward from the end of the train. Forward is the direction the train is traveling in.

–Metro‐North Railroad

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next and last stop on this train is Jamaica. If you want to go somewhere, we’re probably not going there… unless it’s Jamaica, but that’s highly unlikely. Jamaica, next and last stop!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Christian

Train conductor: This is Times Square, 42^nd Street. Transfer is available to any train you could possibly imagine.

–Uptown Q Train

Train conductor, stalling train: Luis Garcia, could you please step off the train? The cops is lookin’ for you… We will not move the train til Luis Garcia steps off the train. Luis?

–2 Train

Posted on March 19, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Cops, Directions, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday One‐liners Need Some Space

Bus driver: Move to the back of the bus. They’re giving free diamonds in the back of the bus. See that lady in the back for your free diamond.

–M2 bus

Guy: I hate this city. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a production.

–W 44^th, near filming of Spiderman 3

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on February 18, 2022
Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, On the Bus, One-liners, Only in New York, Pop Culture, Subway conductors, Times Square

Subway conductors