Public Transportation

Why Even the Rich Love Public Transportation Here

A black guy with a boom box comes on the train.

Boom box guy: This next song is for everyone who don’t feel good about himself when he get up in the morning. You gotta know that everyone is beautiful in they own right, and when you get up you gotta feel smoove.

He starts playing a song on the boom box and sings along. He and his three friends bop their heads to the beat and try to get other passengers to sing too. Then the conductor begins to makes an announcement. Boom box guy lowers the music.

Boom box guy: Everyone best be listening to what the man has to tell us.

–6 train

Girl: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Man: No.

–Whitehall SI Ferry terminal

I Guess He’s the One Who Shot Harvey Keitel

Driver: Hey man, are you a cab driver?
Cabbie: No, I’m a taxi driver.

–Cab, Astoria

Looks Like We’re Down to 4

Dude #1: How many pricks?
Dude #2: 15.
Dude #1: Nah…5? 4?
Dude #2: 5.
Dude #1: Okay, we’re agreed. 5 pricks on the train. Later, bro.

–6 train

Overheard by: T-Dub

Usury It’s With Very Great Interest

Old woman: You know I love them Jews.
Guy: How do you know I’m a Jew?
Old woman: You took the seat like a Jew.
Guy: How does a Jew take a seat?

–1 train

Overheard by: Max Ravyn

What Did the Wednesday One-liners Just Say?

Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Joyce Shen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you’re running late for your train, try calling out “please wait.” Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I’ll wait.

–F train

Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?

–B train

Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!

–QM1 bus

Overheard by: MissDona

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you’re not on an airplane.

–MetroNorth train

Overheard by: Nic

Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.

–D train

Overheard by: Camodee D

PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.

–4 train

Overheard by: OJ-Gangas

Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.

–D train

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29.

–1 train

Overheard by: Traveler Bill

Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude.

–R train

Overheard by: Mark

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they’re not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep.

–N train

Overheard by: SP

Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you!

–MetroNorth train

Overheard by: alyssa

Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement.

–6 train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one…ten degrees cooler.

–6 train

Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live!

–F train

Just Hold On for One More Day, Carnie

Fat chick: I said excuse me!
Fatter chick: Ya, well, you were up my ass for the last 5 minutes.
Fat chick: Ya I want to be up that fat ass!
Fatter chick: Shall I follow you to Queens? Shall I? Some of us can afford to live on 60th Street.

–59th Street station

“I’m not leaving until I get a token or onion rings!”

A woman is arguing with the man in the token booth, but he’s speaking through the mic and his voice is muffled.

Woman: Huh? What? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, all right. Shut the fuck up, Burger King.

–Sutter Avenue station

Overheard by: Deshaunicus

Guy: Here you go man. Here’s some fries.
Hobo: Fries? Fries with what?

–88th & Madison

Overheard by: Benjamin K.

The Trainables Take Manhattan

Tourist mom: Well, the sticker there next to the door says this is the 2029 train, find that on the map–
NY guy: This is the R train, and that is a bus map.

–R train

Overheard by: Angelo Colucci

Tourist woman: So what do you call this?
Tourist guy: The subway.
Tourist woman: Oh.

–1 train

Overheard by: B. Howard

Tourist mom: So we just wait and the trains come right here?

–1/2/3 34th Street station

Overheard by: Adele

A tourist couple gets on at Times Square. It stops at 72nd next.

Tourist girl: Is this our stop?
Tourist guy: No, they said to take it two stops, we’ve only gone one.

The train continues on to stop at 96th.

Tourist girl: Wait, is this near the stop for Grand Central Station?

–2 train

The train car had no air conditioning so the door between cars was kept open to let in a breeze. A lady steps on the train, stands near the opened door, and then closes it.

Seated lady: We need the air!
Standing lady: It’s not safe.
Seated lady: It’s too hot in here. We kept it open to get some air.
Standing lady: But it’s not safe. I could get sucked out the door.

–2 train

Overheard by: Ebonita

Announcing Wednesday One-liners

Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.

–43rd & 7th

Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!

–N train

Overheard by: Gregorio

The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

–A train

Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.

–M86 bus

Overheard by: Diane

Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It’s that simple.

–S train

Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane.

–F train

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