Public Transportation

Hipster: C’mon, there’s another train, quit holding the doors. God.
Man squeezing past doors: Oh, shut the fuck up. I’m late for work. What are you late for? The vintage stores aren’t even open yet.

–Uptown N train, Union Square

Hipster on cell: So, are you gonna pee on the subway or hold it?
Future subway peeer: (inaudible response)
Hipster on cell: Yeah, dude, I do it all the time. Just do your thing in the corner, open the side door, an’ let it slosh out when you’re movin’ between stations. Dude, even women do it. Totally a‑okay!

–67th St & Columbus

Overheard by: kjirsten johnson

Conductor: This is the shuttle to Times Square. This is not an express train. You are on the shuttle to Times Square, not an express train. Again, this is the shuttle to Times Square… Not an express train. Shuttle to Times Square…
Random thug: Shut the fuck up!
Conductor: … Not the express train. And for the lovely person who just told me to shut up, I’m in the car right next to you. Merry Christmas to all.
[Short pause.]Conductor: Except to the kid who told me to shut up.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Suburban Liz

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I’m in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don’t love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!

–49th & 11th

Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine’s Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says “I love you” like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother‐in‐law’s face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!

–Metro North Train

Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell‑o.

–St. John’s University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn’t fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

–Jackson Heights

Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I’m in love, she’s like the whole package! She’s pretty, she’s fuckable, and she can cook!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tim

Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!

–Riverside Church

Overheard by: Stephanie

Conductor at Van Wyck: This is… not Jamaica. [Quietly] Where the hell is he going?

–Manhattan‐bound E train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor: This is 71st, Continental Avenue. Transfer here for the E. This is the E Train to 180… This is the E Train to 170… This is the F… This is the… Oh, whatever. Just stand clear of the fucking doors.

–Most definitely the F train

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Conductor: This is an express F Train to Stillwell Avenue. What does that mean? I don’t know. What are the express stops?

–Brooklyn‐bound F train

Overheard by: Pam

Conductor: This is a Manhattan‐bound One Train. Next stop, 42nd Street. I mean, 34th Street… Shit… Next stop, 14th Street, Union Square!

–L train, Morgan Ave

Overheard by: erin b

Conductor: Captain, we’ve lost power — we have no lights. If you would like to look at people or read, please move. If you do not wish to look at anyone or let anyone look at you, just stay put. This is the train to Babylon. I do not know what the next stop is.

–LIRR

Overheard by: scared passenger

Conductor: The Queens‐bound N Train will be arriving on the platform downstairs. [It pulls into the station across from the platform.] I take that back.

–7 train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Melissa Berry

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a downtown… [long pause]… Whatever. Stand clear of the edge.

–6 platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Johnny

Mom to seven‐year‐old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don’t want to get run over or we can’t have sushi.

–78th & Amsterdam

Cute girl halting before crossing into oncoming traffic: Okay, perhaps we should not die today.

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Traffic

Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!

–57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Chick zig‐zagging across street: I just cannot get down with manholes! Scary, scary manholes. I try to avoid them at all costs.

–83rd & Broadway

Bored cop on megaphone: Please walk on the sidewalk. Stop walking in the middle of the street… Stop walking in the middle of the street. Use the sidewalks… See how you’re on the black pavement? You want to be on concrete. See the cars trying to run you over? That’s ‘vehicular traffic.’ Get out of its way.

–Next to Radio City Music Hall

Boyfriend following jaywalking girlfriend: That’s illegal. [She ignores him.] That’s illegal!

–6th & 4th, Park Slope

Conductor: Dyckman Street’s next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street’s next, nigga!

–1 train near 191st

Overheard by: vegannramember

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen,that yellow line on the platform is there for your safety. Please stand behind it when the train enters the station, for your safety and for my stress level. Thank you.
(next stop)
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to repeat myself, but stand behind the line! It is for your own safety! Your ignorance causes the trains to run slowly because I have to slow down to keep from hitting your ignorant self! Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Always stands behind the yellow line

B&T daughter: Let's move to the front, we still have eight minutes.
B&T mother: Oh my god, are we moving?!
Random guy: Uh, that's the other train that's moving.

--LIRR Train

Young boy to another, whispering: I’m gonna knock you off ‚and then I’m gonna steal your M&Ms.

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: amused tourist

Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I’m going to come here and steal all the stop signs.

–Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Suriya

Angry queer suit as a Honda’s car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: C. Gray

Thug: Look, these glasses are f’real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!

–125th & Broadway

Hipster chick on cell: Why don’t you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?

–2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jake

Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it’s easier to steal things!

–11th & University

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham