Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Dowager: What we really need to do is to educate these poor people so they don’t have sex. It’s the poor people who keep spreading all the STDs and the AIDS. Do you know any rich people with STDs? I didn’t think so.

–MoMA cafe

Lady #1: I can’t believe she said those things. She was so politically incorrect.
Lady #2: Well what did you expect her to say?
Lady #1: Something humanly correct.

–Shubert Theatre, 44th Street

Woman #1: Oh God, I think I’m getting a horrible yeast infection.
Woman #2: Making bagels down there, huh?
Woman #1: Oh no, I’m not Jewish. I’m making Irish Soda Bread.

–Penn Station

Girl #1: I have nothing green to wear on Thursday.
Girl #2: What do you mean, you don’t own any green? You’re Irish! Green is our color! Along with beer.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Christa Bramberger

Lady: You know, I heard him sing in the back room and he was like a young Clay Aiken.

–Macy’s

Guy: There’s nothing sadder than seeing an old gay woman.

–Church Street between Vesey and Barclay

Foreign art student: …so then, we are in the shower room, and you know, we start, how do you say…masturbate, and then he leaves, and I am like, “Oh my god, I really want to talk to him too!”.

–MoMA

Old man: You know it’s New York cabbies when you have aliens, automobiles, and a lot of assholes.

–Astoria

Guy: One time, I was walking down the street wearing a track suit and this blind guy was behind me and he said, “Look, it’s a zebra.”

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Tori Hill

Girl on cell: You want immigrants to be your maids, your cashiers…You’re not ready for immigrants to be your doctors, your lawyers….I don’t think of myself as an immigrant. I think of myself as an expatriate.

–2nd Ave. & 10th St. liquor store

Man: So Tommy’s the security guard there, and I’m in the back room sellin’ crack to him…

–34th Street Lowe’s

Man on cell: …but there are like a thousand kinds of Crest!

–Duane Reade, 23rd St. & 6th Ave.

Overheard by: Elizabeth Rand

Chick: So when he talks about Britain, does that mean England too?

–Fordham

Overheard by: e. glass

US woman (to UK guy): You speak another language, only with American words.

–49th & 6th

Overheard by: David Grote

Guy: I drink so much coffee, that if my girlfriend gives me a blowjob she can’t sleep all night afterwards.

–Wall St. Starbucks

Black chick: It smells like the bottom of a slave ship in here.

–Sapphire Lounge, LES

Girl on cell: …and it was right after he said that that I started doing double penetration, and I’ve never looked back.

–C train

Overheard by: Mickey Marx

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the B train. B like, like, like, um, brothel.

–B train

Overheard by: ed

Bible Thwacker: Have you considered turning back to Jesus?
Woman: Have you considered licking my clitoris?

–Times Square

A psychic was handing out flyers, and was rebuffed by one woman with: Hey, if you were psychic, you’d know I don’t believe in that shit.

–Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Deborah Olin

B&T chick: What I really liked about this guy is that he could write his name in cocaine. And underline it.

–Grand Central food court

Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus

Guy: All I want is for my relatives to die in a certain order.

–University Ave, Bronx

Overheard by: Kaitlen