Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-liners Have Got Me All Excited

Queer: That girl shows her tits for pizza. She’s like an heiress or something, but she’s also a hooker on Craigslist.

–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street

Guy: You’re much prettier than some random girl I saw at the airport
yesterday.

–12 Chairs, Macdougal Street

Hipster guy: I have a sexual thing for zombies.

–4th & D

Man on cell: What do you mean, “you are deeply fucked”?

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: ljdes

Woman on cell: She looks like the kind of person who would giggle during sex.

–Christopher Street

Doorman: I feel sexy today!

–81st & CPW

Overheard by: Brad King

Black chick: Damn, girl! You know you be fly when the boys in the yarmulkes be checkin’ yo’ ass out!

–Broadway & 110th

Overheard by: Max Ravyn

Girl on cell: Mom, I don’t know what he’s supposed to have in his fridge, I usually don’t see anything but his sheets…

–75th & 3rd

Old lady: You were sexually active when you were 9?

–76th & 3rd

Overheard by: Pinsy

Boy Have a Penis; Girls Have Wednesday One-liners

Chick: I swear to god, I don’t know how nothing has happened to me yet, either I am infertile or the cure for herpes is in my vagina.

–6 train

Overheard by: brynn

Man on cell: Hey, baby. It’s sure hot out today…you better get out those hot pants…I mean hot shorts…your pussy must be burning up.

–56th & Broadway

Businesswoman on cell: Aw, man. If only she were a hermaphrodite! Damn!

–7th & Perry

Korean dude: Are you suggesting that you have a super dope vagina?

–Camel, W. 33rd Street

Overheard by: Dave Min

Man: We’re going to have a tampon fondue!

–Duane Reade, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: molina1230

Wednesday One-liners Might Want to See a Doctor

Guy: I got a medical procedure. It’s a done deal. It’s called a biops.

–Highbridge, The Bronx

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Man on cell phone: You forgot the safety word?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Maggie and David

Chick: I’m going to papercut you ferociously.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Girl: Yo, I think these Band-Aids give me street cred.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rocio Burga

Girl on cell: I hate him! I don’t want to invite him since he rammed his head into a wall at the bar…Yeah, she’s okay…When did he get cancer?…Of course, he can be invited; he has cancer. Wait…does he like to ram his head into walls?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Clay Stewart

Woman on cell: Oh my God, I’m about to explode. I got these tight-ass pants on and my stomach is about to explode over my belt.

–1st Avenue & 2nd Street

Overheard by: Sarah Dell’Orto

Wednesday One-liners Give You the First One for Free

Guy on cell: Dude, I can’t give you a bottle. And he don’t got none, either…dude, I don’t mean no offense, but you know you’re a junkie type, right?…yeah, I hear ya…Fine. Maybe for $20 I can find you something.

–86th between Lexington & 3rd

Lady: So is that why he brought you a Xanax and a sandwich?

–Ludlow & Delancey

Overheard by: Michi Hollydale

Businesslady: I was a meth addict. You know, methadone. I didn’t inject it, though.

–Starbucks, 35th & 8th

Overheard by: wit and whimsy

Girl on cell: So like I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I told my parents that I was on drugs…which, of course, nothing could be further from the truth…yeah, I can blame them for reacting that way!

–77th & Lex

Chick on cell: …I know. He’s so generous with prescriptions. And I keep telling him, “I’m a real pill popper!”

–52nd & Madison

Overheard by: Captain Obvious

Chick: If you can get the perfect balance between alcohol and cocaine, then you’ve really hit your peak.

–15th & 5th

Overheard by: Lucy

Woman: So I had to figure out which was cheaper: the drugs or the rehab.

–Kate’s Joint, Avenue B

Queer: God it’s so gross! Gays in there lifting and just sweating all their drugs out…I just don’t go to the gym on mondays; it smells like chemicals!

–15th & 7th

Girl on cell: Yeah, they all call her Vitamin H, can you believe that?…No, no, it’s alcohol that’s the gateway drug. You only want to do coke after you drink.

–2nd Avenue & 10th Street

Overheard Hops on the General Lee

Lady: The only film that Jessica Simpson belongs in is a snuff film.
Guy: Now that shit would be a blockbuster!

–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street

Overheard by: Casey McKendrick

Man #1: I don’t recognize any of the actors in the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.
Man #2: There’s one guy who all the kids know in it. He got famous on that show…what was it called?…Asshole.

–Park Slope

The Lighter Side of…Eating Disorders

Girl: It doesn’t matter if you’re skinny or fat–being anorexic is when you don’t eat because you only think that you’re fat!
Guy: No, people don’t eat because they’re not hungry.

–N train

Overheard by: Steph Lo

Sunbathing chick #1: Oh, girl, you so skinny. They should name you “Miss Congene-u-ality”.
Sunbather #2: Oh no no no, I don’t puke.

–Central Park Great Lawn

Overheard by: Jordan the Intern

Man: So let me get this straight: you still buy him stuffed animals–
Woman: Yeah.
Man: –but he just broke up with his girlfriend because she got too fat.
Woman: Yup.
Man: How old is he?
Woman: Nine.

–Starbucks, 114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jack Vanston

Call Me on My Mobile, Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: I can barely hear you. It’s like your phone is on mute, only not quite.

–Astoria

Suit on cell: I don’t know! I don’t know! All I’m saying is, you better get a lawyer and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me!

–14th & Broadway

Punk dude on cell: Fuck you, fuck you!…call me when you are high or nice, until then fuck you!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 42nd & Vanderbilt

Girl on cell phone: Like, I’m the one who invited Fran Tarkenton over in the first place!

–53rd & 8th

Overheard by: Tyler Bryce

Indian chick on cell: You’re like the diamond in a haystack I’ve been looking for!

–23rd & 3rd

Wednesday One-liners (As Seen on Cops)

Girl: …I mean, I don’t care. As long as he doesn’t hit her in my house!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Errin D.

Drunk thug: Yo, fuck Lil’ Bow Wow! If I get the chance I’ll cut that nigga…with my MetroCard! And then I’ll swipe him through.

–Last Exit, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mr. Brojangles

Jewess: If Miriam acts that way again to me, I am going to slap her pussy bald.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Caroline Kelley

Man: Just you watch, she’s gonna cut him!

–3 train

Man: I don’t know, he only dates guys in jail.

–33rd & Madison

Overheard by: Missy Gartner

Black kid: They’re going to get me for conspiracy! That’s what they did to my brother! He’s spending 8 years in jail for conspiracy…firearms…half an ounce of cocaine…crack cocaine.

–B train

Overheard by: Samantha G

Enormous Changes for Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I would bedazzle the shit out of that shirt.

–53rd & 9th

Girl: So, he said he was thinking about getting LASIK, and I told him that if he wants to have surgery he has to start with a nosejob.

–Times Square

Man on cell: Yeah man, I promised for her birthday I’d take her to the best doctor in town. She really needs to have this done. Where did you take yours when she had fleas?

–57th & Broadway

Girl on cell: Oh, I don’t know, the last time I saw you your lips didn’t look that overinflated.

–Washington Square dog run

Overheard by: boswell

It’s Just a Number, Wednesday 1-Liners

Man: You two walk how old people fuck!

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: Emily

Guy on cell: Yeah, general admission was cool when I was 18, but not when I’m fucking 32.

–78th & 1st

Guy: You know how, like, with alcohol they require ID for proof of age? They should really do that with bikinis also.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

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