Guy: There’s got to be a hardware store somewhere around here.
–Home Depot, 23rd Street
Funeral home guy: Drop dead!…motherfucker…
–Raccuglia Funeral Home, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Buffoon
Mother: This is the Sistine Chapel.
–St. Patrick’s Cathedral
Guy on cell: Hey, we’re at the Museum of Natural History right now.
–The Met
Overheard by: Pri
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen! We are temporarily being held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. We would like to wish you a happy 4th of July. As you all know, the 4th is a day for celebrating and drinking. Please remember: do not drink and drive! Don’t get me wrong, you can drink as much as you want but then you have to take public transportation!
–A train
Overheard by: Miss Babette
A relatively full car holds an empty bench. As passengers embark at each station, they head toward the empty bench. They recoil when they discover the pool of puke on the floor in front of the bench.
An Indian man embarks at Bedford Avenue, sits down in front of the puke, and puts both of his feet right in it.
Hipster: No, No!
The Indian slides his feet around in the brown vomit and looks down in horror. He gets up and looks like he will puke himself.
Hipster: Oh no, man, it’s best not to think about it!
The Indian disembarks at the next stop and changes cars.
–L train
Overheard by: Hairy Toe
There is a drunk guy passed out on the floor, laying face up in his vomit. 3 Black chicks get on the train. One looks at him and says: That nigga is so done for.
–6 train
Overheard by: Natalie
Guy: I was never any good at sports…I’ve watched the Superbowl a few times.
–Flatiron office
Lady on phone: Yeah, they have seat fillers at the Oscars and other award shows, you didn’t know that? It’s so when they pan over the audience it doesn’t look like a Mets game.
–40th Street office
Overheard by: Clay Caviness
Guy: I’m not going to be the only guy at the hockey party holding an apple turnover.
–Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Christopher Miner
Guy: Just because I got a felony doesn’t mean I’m going to jail.
–outside Kew Gardens Criminal Courthouse
Overheard by: Scott Bee
Man walking down the street with a wooden square around his neck says: I’m an innocent man! I’ve been framed, I’m tellin’ ya!
–Carmine & Bleecker
Black guy: Yo, do y’all got $6? Whoa, whoa, listen, I’m Black but I’m no criminal!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Erica Gridelli
Tourist guy: We’re staying down on Two Avenue. Now do they say Two Avenue or Second Avenue here?
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Chess
Tourist woman: We’re in Manhattan, right?
–Times Square
Tourist girl: Can’t we like, just call a cab? You know, like, “Hi, we need a cab, pick us up here?”
–42nd between Broadway & 6th
Overheard by: Heather Hunter
Tourist guy: Do they just breed dogs smaller here, or what?
–Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: jillypickle
Guy on cell: Holy shit, she’s too fucking old to get AIDS. The virus would be like “Ew, fuck that, she’s old.”
–F train
Overheard by: Glynnis
A blocked sewer grate causes a nasty-looking puddle. A Black guy steps over it and says: This shit’s disgusting. This is how we all get AIDS.
–23rd & Park
Overheard by: Erica
Guy on cell: Can you imagine having sex with a two year old and a three year old at the same time?
–79th & 5th
Overheard by: Jackie
College chick: So, best case scenario she thinks you’re a lesbian. Worst case scenario, she thinks you’re a child molester.
–M16 bus
Chick: Oh yeah, ’cause we all know how I like to swap spit. With random people…like the cleaning ladies.
–FIT
Black guy: It really tore me up to have to beat that nigga with a chair.
–Times Square
Drunk: Fuck getting arrested! I don’t care! But my point is this…
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Guy: See, Francie? See how it’s all pink around the nail? That’s from jabbing my thumb into that guy.
–48th & 1st
Guy on bike: …and she said, “What are you going to do, shoot me?” and that was the last thing she ever said.
–Forest Hills
Old White lady: Oh no, I didn’t get any blood on me, I stayed away from the action. I was the one doing the shooting.
–Aaron Davis Hall, Convent Avenue
Guy on cell: You’re in Florida? You’re driving back right? Get me a nine!…I don’t give shit where you buy it from, get me a nine milimeter. For real, all those southern states you’re driving through, you can get one from somewhere!
–DeMarco’s Pizza, Houston Street
Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.
–Greenpoint
Overheard by: Francesca
Guy: So what you’re saying is that every event in modern history was
caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?
–Chevy’s, Times Square
Overheard by: Kenny B
Boy on cell: …yeah, I know! So then I said, “Bitch, that’s what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!”
–C train
Overheard by: Lorelai Greenwood
Fat lady: You know, I don’t think I would make a good vampire…I don’t like staying up too late.
–W. 57th Street office
Lady: Geez, what an adventure, huh? I mean, “grande ensalada”? I had no idea what I’d ordered until it came to the table!
–55th & Madison
Overheard by: Heather
Hobo: She eats the cole slawwww. She likes the Pepsi, not the Coke!
–Borough Park
Russian lady: How many times do I have to tell you? Puerto Ricans don’t eat tacos.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Jonathan
Man: We have to stop here so I can eat. If we keep walking, I can’t eat in the rain.
–23rd & Madison
Woman: It’s spiritual. I only eat yak.
–11th & A
Overheard by: Lisa D
Girl on cell: OK, well, get me as many cans of tuna as you can possibly carry.
–Washington Square & East 4th
Senior VP on phone: No, you can’t order Chilean sea bass anymore! They’re all bred artificially in ponds. The real ones are going extinct out of sheer deliciousness.
–Madison Avenue office
Woman: It’s too hot today for Indian food. Well unless, you know, you’re Indian.
–17th & Park
Overheard by: Robyn
