Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Crackhead to French girls: This side of the station is for crackheads only. You are in violation of code 113, this area is reserved for crackheads only. So move now.

–110th St Train Station

Film man: Gimme five minutes and I’ll give you my left nut.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: S&J

Suit on cell: You hooked up with a 300-pound girl?

–14th & 3rd Ave

Mexican guy: You look like 50 Cent. But in Mexico, your name would be 50 Pesos.

–Caliente Cab Restaurant , 488 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Mon

Thug: My wife hit me up for fitty bucks, and then my girl hit me up for another fitty bucks, and now I’m all tapped out.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Juliet

Conductor: Come on people! You were born with two eyes. If you would just use them to see that there are three different doors to the train, you would know that you’re holding people up trying to go home! Use your eyes and head and go in another door that people aren’t trying to get out of…Use the head people…Use the head!

–1 Train

Overheard by: megan

Econ major: So is that quadrillion as in past trillion?

–Classroom, NYU

Latino guy: Can I have a baggy dog?

–Roosevelt Ave, Queens

Overheard by: petilipois

Professor: And here this writer will be reading from her first novel Doggy Style, which is probably about taking your dogs out and meeting other people in the city.

–Hunter College, creative writing classroom

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Woman: Excuse me, I have to put my hand up my dog’s ass.

–Columbus & 67th St

Girl: I can never visualize people’s faces. Like my mom. I know she has nice cheekbones, so I try and visualize her cheekbones. But then she just turns into this weird cat.

— Diner, 10th Ave

Woman: Cats are bitches! They think they’re better than you. I hate cats.

–89th St & Broadway

Overheard by: righteous queen

Man, singing to daughter in stroller: 11 puppies, 11 puppies, we’re searching for… 24 puppies!

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: thaler

Teen girl: Your cat has gotten high before me!

–8th St & 4th Ave

Hipster girl: The kittens got on the stove and turned the gas on. I got home and it was like Fight Club but with kittens. I’ll probably give them away to the ASPCA or to suckers like you.

–L train

Overheard by: Philip

Woman: Oh! I got you some Xanax for your wedding day.

–14th & 9th

Guy: I don’t call myself an alcoholic any more. I find it really hard to separate out my shit like that.

–Washington Square South

Woman: I think I’m just going to stay in and have a heroin night.

–11th & University

Loud old lady: I pray for death every day, because if you pray for death, you will never die.

–Metro-North train

Guy giving directions to friend: I think it’s near the corner where we saw that lady get killed.

–W 32nd St, near 6th Ave

Overheard by: Personally, I would avoid that corner.

Man on cell: No, you have to hide the body.

–33rd & Madison

Overheard by: alex

Man on cell: I don’t know! He just called me up and said that I owe him 50 grand and that he’s coming to kill me… Yeah, I told him I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he said he’s coming to kill me anyway.

–77th & Broadway

Man, about his time in halfway house: Murderers are just the nicest people, you know? I mean, they really understand human suffering.

–F train

Shabby guy on cell: Why should I be the only man that never died from a piece of ass?

–55th & Madison

Filthy rich lady: Darling, you must get a private jet. We just don’t fly commercial anymore.

–Armory Art Show, 66th & Park

Saleswoman: Well, you can’t really compare a 16-hundred-dollar haircut to a 15-dollar one.

–C.O. Bigelow, 9th & 6th

Overheard by: Joey Gillis

Yuppie teen in wheel: Dude, we should totally start hanging out with public school kids. Not the ghetto ones, but, like — you know, the cool ones.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Eri

Little brat: But Mo-ooom, seven hundred dollars is not that much for a pair of shoes!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maddi

Old suit: You should really make at least a hundred grand a year to live in Manhattan. You know, la crème de la crème . And if you can’t deal with that you should move to Jersey City with the Indians and the Asians.

–Theatre lobby

Sorority girl: No, it’s not like that. It’s just, like, he’s from Greece… And there’s, like, not a lot of rich people there…

–13th & 1st

Overheard by: Heather

Old lady employee : Oh, I want to be adopted by a nice rich family!

–F.A.O. Schwartz

Overheard by: fao

Teen boy: So when you said you loved her, did you say you loved her booty?

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Mom, to her kids: Your mama’s booty is gonna come in handy tonight!

–41st & 3rd

Overheard by: allison

Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!

–26th & Lex

Overheard by: Myrtle

Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mets Fan

Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!

–W 96th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Megan W.

Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!

–Q11 bus, Queens

Jogger: I’m checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back — it’s fuckin’ sexy!

–Central Park

Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: …sexy cheese?

Tourist grandpa: I’m going to sit here. Do you want a snack?
Tourist grandson: Sure.
Tourist grandpa: Here’s some money. Go over there and buy yourself something. And if you can find somebody nice, ask where we can get some cheesecake.

–Greeley Square

Overheard by: Nick Turner

Hasidic boy: Poppola, I heard a rumor that when a cow gets a cut from the milking machine, and blood gets in the milk…they have to turn it into chocolate milk, so people won’t know it’s there.
Hasidic grandpa: We should be so lucky!

–4 train

Overheard by: Raden Mutter

Woman: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she’s the one–she’s the one who committed manslaughter.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Cashier girl: You know, we haven’t gotten robbed in a while. I can’t believe it!

–Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway

Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!

–E train platform, 14th St

Overheard by: Cameron Rose

Dude: I’m just glad to be off the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy…I had to call him back after I read that…But at least he’s not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation nation

20-Something guy: It wouldn’t look good on your job application if you got arrested.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kathy

Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it’s not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It’s about you taking that nice woman’s wallet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: SUSAN

Newspaper vendor: Come on, people! Buy this right-wing rag! Buy it!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: M. Hutchinson

Shop owner: Come inside! Come on our floors! Come everywhere!

–Canal Street store

Overheard by: Casey D.

Guy on cell: I’m just out here trying to sell comedy club tickets to upper middle class White people. What are you doing?

–Broadway & 46th

Flyer guy: Eyebrow threading! Eyebrow threading! That’s right, mo more crooked-ass eyebrows!

–35th & 7th

Overheard by: Johnny Peppas