Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Construction guy: That Barney Rubble, he’s some actor.

–South Street Seaport bar

Overheard by: Keith McCarthy

Guy: She’s a spoiled rotten brat. She’s rich as shit and gets everything she wants. It fucking pisses me off. I can’t stand her…the only reason I know all this is ’cause I hang out with her like 24 hours a day.

–1 train

Hobo: Hillary Clinton and Pee-Wee Herman are Democrats! I am a Republican!

–12th St. & 7th Ave.

Overheard by: Caroline N

Lady: They’ve got psychiatrists for dogs. They’ve even got their own cemeteries. They’ve got more things than kids!

–Eckerd’s, Bensonhurst

Younger brother: I wish I could jump over buildings like Spider-man.
Older sister: Little buildings or really tall buildings?
Younger brother: Tall buildings.
Older sister: I bet you could. Why don’t you try it sometime?

–M14 bus

Scottish chick on cell: He’s sort of like the John Tesh of tonsils, isn’t he?

–60th & 1st

Overheard by: zunshyn

Guy: I think I know enough about compound plastic to perform basic dentistry.

–1/9 train

Overheard by: Kathryn Galloway

Tech kid: I can, like, smell which microphone you’re using.

–NYU Education building, Washington Square east

Old man: I don’t even like taking the subway anymore because the tiling is so disgusting.

–28th Street station

Overheard by: Nico Westerdale

Guy: Every time I see him, I want to wash myself.

–South Street seaport

Queer on cell: Whores! You are W-H-O-R-E dash I-B-L-E. That’s what you are. You’re whore-ible.

–50th between 8th & 9th

Receptionist: It takes two shots to bring down a bengal tiger! Two!

–20th Street office

Overheard by: Animal

Chick on cell: Oh, so honey, they aren’t actually tents for dogs; they’re just tiny display tents for the large ones.

–North Face, 73rd & Broadway

Woman: She feeds chickens to other chickens. It’s gross. It’s like, if there was a husband and wife, she would chop up the husband and feed him to the wife.

–1/9 train

Woman #1: Excuse me, does the N train stop at Central Park?
Woman #2: Lady, go ask a fucking crystal ball, or learn how to read a damn subway map.

–Union Square station

Overheard by: Craig D

A truck driver is parked on the side of the road, honking at what appears to be nothing at all. A female pedestrian shoots him a dirty look.

Truck driver: Nobody’s honking at you, you dumb bitch!

–Bay Ridge

Tourist: Which way is the Empire State Building?
Newspaper vendor: What do I look like, a fuckin’ road map?

–outside Grand Central

Overheard by: Dork

A trendy guy walked out into oncoming traffic, forcing an SUV to slam on the brakes. The driver screamed out of his open window: The hell you think you are, my hood ornament?

–40th & 7th

Teen girl: Yo, I heard he fucked a fat girl in Remi and she was so big he couldn’t get his arms around her!

–Astoria Dunkin’ Donuts

Overheard by: Jack

UES chick on cell: …so then he takes me to this party, where there’s all these topless chicks and crap, and I’m like, “Come on! Haven’t I stroked your ego enough?”.

–88th and Park

Overheard by: ikanread

Girl: No, I will not have anal sex with your boyfriend!

–Union Square station

Homeboy: Monkeys are just humans who don’t give a shit, that’s all I’m sayin’.

–Park Pizza, 25th St. and Park Ave.

Overheard by: Chadd Derkins

Electrician: The Velvet Underground? Yeah, they was good for a few laughs back in the day.

–Midtown elevator

Overheard by: Michael

Dude: I definitely said, “No abortion jokes at dinner.”

–86th and 2nd

Lady: If he could fuck like he makes quesadillas, I’d be a lucky woman.

–Astoria deli

Overheard by: Stuart Bridgett

Guy on cell: True Spanish girls wear heels in a blizzard!

–33rd Street & Park Avenue

Overheard by: Chris D.

Hobo (to Hispanic construction workers): Remember the Alamo!

–34th & Madison Avenue

Dowager: What we really need to do is to educate these poor people so they don’t have sex. It’s the poor people who keep spreading all the STDs and the AIDS. Do you know any rich people with STDs? I didn’t think so.

–MoMA cafe

Lady #1: I can’t believe she said those things. She was so politically incorrect.
Lady #2: Well what did you expect her to say?
Lady #1: Something humanly correct.

–Shubert Theatre, 44th Street