Wednesday Hearts One‐Liners

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I’m in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don’t love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!

–49^th & 11^th

Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine’s Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says “I love you” like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother‐in‐law’s face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!

–Metro North Train

Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell‑o.

–St. John’s University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn’t fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

–Jackson Heights

Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I’m in love, she’s like the whole package! She’s pretty, she’s fuckable, and she can cook!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tim

Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!

–Riverside Church

Overheard by: Stephanie

Posted on April 14, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Beauty, Black People, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, College, Colors, Conductors, Food, Friends, Gifts, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Jesus, Kids, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Psychology, Public Transportation, Questions, Sorority Girls, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, White Trash

No, That’s Alcoholautism

Arty girl: You know what Asperger’s is, right?
Arty guy: No.
Arty girl: It’s that type of Autism where people are obsessed with trains.
Arty guy: Oh! So is that what all the subway conductors have?

–F train

Posted on February 4, 2023
Bimbettes, On the Subway, Psychology

Wednesday One‐Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14^th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Posted on January 17, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, City College, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Education, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Latinos, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Smoking, Stab, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suicide, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Waitresses, Weirdness

Are You Trying to Make Me Think I’m Not Paranoid?

Paranoid passenger to another: Are you looking at me?
Bus driver to paranoid passenger: Hey, don’t be so paranoid.
Paranoid passenger: I’m not paranoid. I just thought he was looking at me!

–Q31 Bus

Posted on December 30, 2022
Bus, Bus Drivers, On the Bus, Paranoia, Passengers, Psychology

Anxiety I Like to Relieve by Peeing in Coffee Cups

Barista girl: Ohmigod, I love your shoes! I want them.
Register girl: Thanks.
Barista girl: I love them! Awww.
Register girl, embarrassed: Thanks, haha.
Barista girl: I love them, but I can never get them… Because I can’t wear black with brown.
Register girl, borderline offended: Why not?
Barista girl: It gives me anxiety, that’s why.

–Starbucks

Posted on August 14, 2022
Baristas, Colors, Compliments, Coworkers, Psychology, Shoes, Starbucks, Wishes & desires

That’s Like Taking It to Denny’s!

Guy #1: So, she was eventually diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. No, not Stockholm syndrome… Munchausen by proxy.
Guy #2: Is that where you make your kid sick to get attention?
Guy #1: Yeah. I mean, who feeds their newborn feces? Who does that?

–21^st St & 6^th Ave

Posted on August 4, 2022
Babies, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Guys, Parents, Poop, Psychology, Questions, Weirdness

The City Squeezes Them Out at Every Orifice

Tourist #1: I can’t wait to leave New York.
Tourist #2: It’s not for claustrophobes.

–Times Square

Posted on June 19, 2022
Psychology, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Wishes & desires

The Heartache of Lukewarm Erotic Imagination

Girl #1: God, why are all the losers interested in me?!
Girl #2: Shut up! At least you have the potential of getting some ass! All I can get are the people in my mind… And they’re not even hot!
Girl #1: … Sorry.

–Cowgirl Hall of Fame restaurant, Hudson St

Posted on May 30, 2022
Dating, Friends, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex

If the Wednesday Fits, One‐Liner It

Young thug to friends: Stop, stop, stop! Stop, seriously, stop. C’mon, I’m not kidding! Seriously. I have shoe phobia!

–Metro‐North Rail

Guy with shoe in hand, catching up to woman who lost it: Here you go, Cinderella!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: thorn

Manager of ladies’ shoe store: It’s easy to close. You put the hooker boots – all this hoochie stuff, with the hooker boots, you put the flats with the flats, you put the day shoes with the day shoes. Now, Narnia over there is another story…

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Sarah R

Chick to guy: If you buy me Jimmy Choos, I’ll have your baby.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lets hope she’ll have the baby anyway…

Four‐year‐old girl stepping out of taxi: Mommy, can we go online to buy shoes today?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: …wow.

Posted on May 24, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Bosses, Disney, Friends, Girls, Guys, Internet, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Malls, Moms, Offers and requests, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Prostitution, Psychology, Rockefeller Center, Shoes, Shopping, Store, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One‐Liners

Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.

–LIRR

Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.

–LIRR, Drunk Train

Overheard by: Jason

Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)

–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)

–MacDougal St, The Village

Overheard by: Reid Rogers

Posted on February 14, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, NYC Geography, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Psychology, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Psychology