Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn’t see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
–City Hospital, Bronx
Crazy lady at crosswalk: I am a professional jaywalker! If you jaywalk, I will give you a ticket! If you don’t, I will not!
Young black woman: Yo! Being who I am, I will bop you on the head.
–E 124th St & Lexington
Overheard by: waitingforthefight
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said “Come on, Mr California!” and I was like: “Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!”
–G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.
–Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight‐year‐old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!
–38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton‐John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.
–43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.
–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
Excerpts from the monologue of a crazy man in a diner. He is probably 60, very fat, and talking to a short 40ish Hispanic woman wearing a tiny flounce skirt and a t‑shirt that says “BEAR”. He is evidently a regular, because the waiters banter with him. He also mentions AA frequently.
Fat man: I promote models and actresses, but very slowly. I do it very, very slowly. You’re a very attractive woman. I’d like to give you my number.
Fat man: It’s the procrastinators who rule the world; the people who hurry end up dead.
Fat man: I’ve got 31 movies – 31 movies! – I saw The Wedding Crashers, it was amazing.
Fat man: I can get you modeling; I can get you into mental health doing social work…you’ll lose weight, you’ll get married, you’ll have what every woman wants. Except certain women are gay. And they want girlfriends and I accommodate that. I’m a saint. I’m a guru – I don’t call myself a guru. I’m a saint. I save people.
Fat man: I was watching TV; this crazy thing happened. This guy loved his friend. And his friend was about to be stepped on by an elephant. And the guy put himself in front of his friend, what do you think happens? He gets stepped on by an elephant. It’s terrible to watch these things.
–Coffee Shop, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mollie
Crazy guy: Shaving is so much more important than your cell phone.
–6 train
Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?
–Prince St
Overheard by: Kristen W.
Flight attendant on PA: We’d like to remind you that this is a non‐smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.
–British Airways Flight to Heathrow
Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!
–66th & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Dude: I’ve been smoking since I came out of my mom’s cooch.
–Hop Scotch Cafe
Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.
–4 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Christine
Mom to seven‐year‐old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.
–Intermission, Rent
Drunk: Where’s my boy, man?
–Odessa, Ave. A
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: I have no idea.
Girl #1: So you’re not Snuffleupagus?
Girl #2: No, I’m not.
Hobo: Ask her if she’s horny!
Girl #1: Are you an actor?
Girl #2: No.
Hobo: Ask her if she’s horny!
Girl #1: Dammit, um–
Hobo: You might be surprised!
–1 train
Overheard by: emzor
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
–14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser – leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
–4 train
Overheard by: Anna
