President

Where is King Syphilitic Dementia’s “Fireplace”?

Hobo: I am the king, bow down before me…The president of the United States is a retarded fuck. American people don’t care about life. Why fight for America? Fuck sending a bunch of people over there to kill and be killed. It’s ridiculous. Bush thinks it’s okay. He’s the dictator, he’s the bad man. If I ever get my hands on him, I’m gonna torture his ass. I’ll cut his dick off. I’ll take a pipe from the fireplace and stick it up his ass. I’m the king. I’ll always be the king. I say this…Don’t ever believe America. America is godless. The people are full of shit. Anyone who goes to war for America has got to be out their motherfuckin’ mind.

–Central Park

Overheard by: psd

He Totally Wins Friends and Influences People!

Guy: What’s the matter, you don’t like the book?
Girl: No, I’m just wondering if we can charge Bush with copyright infringement.

–6 train

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

She Hasn’t Been Elected Yet

Black guy: Clinton was the closest we ever had to a black president!
Black girl: Aw, shit! Clinton is my nigga!

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: FTrainIsFunTrain

Hillary Doesn’t Look a Day Over 70

Woman #1: Well, how old is she?
Woman #2: She’s about 77 and almost blind, but she’s still a raging liberal.
Woman #1: Really.
Woman #2: Yeah, she’s not too old to still call George Bush an asshole.

–83rd & Park

Wednesday One-liners for the Red States

Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church.

–Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom

Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein

Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney…

–6 train

Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back!

–23rd between 8th & 9th

Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.

–LES party

Overheard by: Caz

It'd Be Good to Be Onesie Nation Again

Two-year-old in stroller: I love Barack Obama!
Exasperated mother: We know. We know you love Barack Obama.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Helena the Great

The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves

20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.

–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch

Overheard by: Kelli Jo

Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.

–7th Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: Oh no he didn't….

Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!

–4 Train

Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard's Obama.

–Kent Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trekkie

Diner to companion: Since Obama's been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They're testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they're testing his gallstones.

–Teddy's Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)

–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens

And Was That Before or After They Turned Into Swans?

Girl #1: My dad voted for Bush twice.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He's an old school Republican.
Girl #2: Wait, when did the Republicans turn into Democrats? After Roosevelt?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bunny

Yet They Won’t Have Useless Diplomas

Guy: Yo, did you hear what Bush wants to do? He wants to get rid of financial aid for college.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah…soon we all gon’ have to be drug dealers. Seeing crackheads will be normal.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: clari

What's a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One-Liner Like This?

Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There's no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me "The Vagina Whisperer."

–Moe's Bar. Brooklyn

Guy hitting on four younger girls: I'll take you home and we can do something weird… I'll pour honey all over you. Then I'll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I'll pour butter all over you, and I'll make toast, and I'll wipe the butter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You're beautiful! Look at me! You don't want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I'm Tony Baloney.

–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn

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