Columbia guy #1: It’s a small world.
Columbia guy #2: Yeah, especially when they killed six million of us.
–Miller Theatre, Columbia University
Lady: …yeah, but when they’re all being led into gas chambers again, they’ll be crying in their beer.
–Miller Park, The Bronx
Overheard by: Roisin Ni She
Book guy: I don’t see that big swastika.
Girl: No, I don’t either. And that big swastika was going to be my dad’s birthday present.
–Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Overheard by: Jon Zebraskey
Tourist fratboy #1: It said “Free Stress Test.”
Tourist fratboy #2: What’s Dianetics, anyway?
–Times Square
Overheard by: KN
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!"
–G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.
–Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!
–38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.
–43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.
–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
Chinese guy: Excuse me, I think I dropped my wallet in this store. Did you guys happen to see a wallet anywhere in here?
Clerk: I’m sorry sir, we are good Buddhist people, and we good Buddhist people are always moral, and we would never do such a thing as stealing your wallet.
Chinese guy: I never said you stole my wallet, I just asked if you’ve seen my wallet.
Clerk: Goodbye, please come again. Next on line!
Chinese guy: Go fuck Buddha!
Translated from the Chinese.
–Flushing store
Overheard by: Ting
Queer: Where does Dusty work?
Girl: At a church by Spring Street.
Queer: What does he do?
Girl: He’s an administrative assistant.
Queer: An administrative assistant to God?
–Union Square
Woman: Move in, motherfuckers, move in!
Yuppie guy: Wait for the next one, this is too packed.
Woman: Bitch, I have to be on this train!
Yuppie guy: This isn’t the train to heaven, you know. It’s, like, going to Queens.
–F train
Overheard by: Nickicaps
Chick (to another chick): So, are you ordained yet?
–Williamsburg
Dude #1: What’s karma?
Dude #2: I think it’s the stuff they put in chocolate bars.
Dude #1: That’s peanuts, you dipshit.
Dude #2: What kind of chocolate bars are you eating?
–F train
Bus driver, upon seeing a rainbow: Out the right side there is a beautiful rainbow.
Man in the back of the bus: Michael Jackson did that! He probably starting singing “over the rainbow” and God made one appear!
–Berry & N 7th
Overheard by: Bean
Proselytizer: You’ve got to make sure you’re reading the King James Bible. God uses the other ones for conversion, but they’re ten percent less effective.
–Downtown 2 train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Mom: Look, this one’s from Jordan and Israel. That’s where Jesus is from!
–Mouse House, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: LT$
Woman: I’m gonna give him a holy bath and all kinds of things.
–Columbus Bakery, 83rd & Columbus
Pamphlet lady: That’s why you’ve got no power! Where’s the mayor? He’s not Jesus! He’s not coming to save you!
–Penn Station
Soccer mom: …and then he asked if he could go to church with Grandma, and I said, “Well, I don’t think so, Ryan*. Daddy’s had to yell at you all night and spank you twice, and only good boys get to go to church.”
–Central Park
Overheard by: God would be proud
Hobo: The Holy Spirit will whup yo’ ass!
–Court St
Young passerby, to old man entering church: Good luck!
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: Russell Z
