At the Airport

My New Wife, Wednesday One‐liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife. 

–B train

Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff 

Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on‐line, on Nerve – we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R‐U‐F‑F. The Truth! 

–Atlantic Avenue gas station

Overheard by: Megan 

Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.

–Newark airport

Overheard by: jk

If Dr. Phil Did 2000 Sit‐Ups a Day

LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle‐aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.

Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that’s LL!
Black woman to white woman: You people don’t understand — that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Swanny

Oh No She Didn’t

Guy #1: Is that the last Harry Potter?
Girl with book: No, there’s one more after this.
Guy #1: What? How old is he? Isn’t he getting a little old to be in school?
Guy #2: He’s special, that’s why he goes to magic school.
Girl with book: Yeah, Harry rides the short train to school. 

–Newark airport

Overheard by: Jujubee

Why NY is not Minneapolis

Middle‐aged man at the Minneapolis airport: “When Minnesota first got the lotto, they had the scratch‐off lottery cards. I waited on line in a corner store, and the clerk asked me if I wanted to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lottery.’ The person behind me, as I was leaving, bought a ticket and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a ticket!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t play the lottery.’ ”

Wednesday One‐Liners Aren’t Up to FAA Regulations

Ticket agent: Due to recent security restrictions, no one will be allowed onboard with any liquages. No liquages are allowed onboard the aircraft.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Liz

Pilot: Those of you who require wheelchair assistance, please remain seated.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: able to stand

Pilot: Attention, passengers… this is your pilot from the flight deck. We’ve just been given notice that we’re now number two for takeoff, so we should be getting off the ground in just a moment… so if you could all do me a favor and make sure that all your windows are rolled up, because we’re about to go really really fast. Thanks for your patience.

–JFK

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain will be dimming the cabin lighting for the remainder of the flight in order to enhance the appearance of the person sitting next to you. Individual lights are located above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the person sitting next to you.

–JetBlue

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to power off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like control‐alt‐delete on your computer.

–LaGuardia

Flight attendant: Wow, that pilot really doesn’t know how to fly! 

–Boarding Gate, Delta Marine Air Terminal

Overheard by: Daniel 

Wednesday One‐liners for Sprint Ambassadors

Girl: Wait, what? You have Gandhi on your phone?

–23rd Street F/V station

Overheard by: emma jackson

Hypochondriacs Aren’t Born, They’re Made

Mom in stall: Oh, look, honey. There are toilet seat covers!
12‐year‐old, also in stall: Yay! Oh, yay!

–Newark Internat’l Airport

Sorry, You’re the First Person of Color I’ve Ever Encountered

Older man to African American girl): Where are you from? Ghana?
Girl (astonished): Columbus, Ohio!

–Terminal 2, JFK

Overheard by: Generous Supply

I Bet His Shoes Are All Squishy

Girl: Wow, that was some pretty bad turbulence.
Guy: Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be having bowel movements for a week.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Jim D 

Wednesday One‐Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle‐aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U‑Haul

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