Yuppie customer: Can we have the tasting menu?
Waitress: You eat everything?
Yuppie customer: Yeah, sure.
Waitress: Gizzard?
Yuppie customer: I’ll eat the asshole if you put a tasty sauce on it.
Waitress: We don’t serve assholes here.
Yuppie customer: This is New York. How do you stay in business?
–Japanese restaurant
Overheard by: The Professor
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”
–4 Train
Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It’s called the “Paul Bunyan”.
Bimbette: Is that French?
–High Life Cafe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
Waitress: Hi, sweetie, how are you?! Can I get you some more coffee, sweetie? Sweetie, you look like you’ve had a rough night, can I get you something else?
Queer looking up at waitress for a silent minute: Darling, I really hope this is your first day, ’cause clearly you are not skilled in the art of serving New Yorkers. I don’t know how they do things down South, but here in the city you ask us what we want, you bring it to us, and you walk away. You don’t make small talk, you don’t ask what’s wrong, and you sure as fuck don’t call us ‘Sweetie.’ Get it?
Waitress: Well, screw you! I don’t need to sit here and listen to some bratty–
Queer, clapping: –Yes! Just like that! Except next time, instead of ‘Screw you,’ I’d say ‘Fuck you.’ Much more effective. Now, may I please have a cup of coffee? Thanks, Georgia.
–Chelsea diner
Guy: I will have a coffee.
Waitress: We don’t have anything hot.
Guy: Then an iced coffee, please?
–New York Comedy Club, East 24th Street
Overheard by: Eric Kuhn
Dude: Hey! Good to see you… What are you doing here? I thought you were at Beth Israel?
Waitress on smoke break: Yeah, I was in the OR until they caught me in the janitor’s closet doing coke.
–St Mark’s Pl & Ave A
Overheard by: Vegas
Queer: I am not paying for the appetizer, because it came out at the same time as our entree and it should have come out before.
Ghetto waitress: You have to pay for it, because I brought it out.
Queer: Well, when you don’t get money for it don’t be alarmed!
Ghetto waitress: You’re lucky you even got your food!
–Diner, 51st & 9th
Overheard by: Rich
Queer #1: Can I have Coke?
Waitress: We don’t serve sodas here.
Queer #2: What about Diet Coke?
–Bliss Café, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sillyrabbit
Customer: So, what’s new? Been a while…
Waitress: Not much. Kind of a weird day, though. [The owner] was in here with his kid earlier, though, and he was doing E.
Customer: Wow.
Waitress: ‘Wow’ is right. I mean, seriously — who does E anymore?
–Pizza Shop, Mott St, Soho
Tourist guy: Where are you from?
Female waitress: Sri Lanka.
Tourist guy: Oh, I’ve always wanted to go to India.
Female waitress: Did you really just say that?
–Times Square Bakery
Overheard by: trey
