Waitresses

What Do They Have, Clogs? Pippi Pigtails or Someshit?

Woman: Excuse me, I left my passport in the ladies’ room.
Stewardess guy: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to wait until we make our way down the aisle.
Woman: But I need to get my passport.
Stewardess guy: I understand that, but we cannot move this cart back far enough. We should be through in a few minutes.
Woman: But it’s in the bathroom! What if someone takes it?
Stewardess guy: If it’s not in the bathroom when you get there, let one of us know and we’ll make an announcement.
Woman: No, I can’t wait for that to happen, I have to go and get my passport now.
Stewardess guy: I understand, but as I’ve explained to you before, you must wait. Please return to your seat.
Woman: Oh, you’re very nice. You know, in the United States, people don’t behave like that.
Stewardess guy: In the Netherlands people don’t dress like that.

–KLM flight to JFK

Wednesday One-liners Are Ready to Order

Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don’t speak English so they didn’t understand what you wanted.

–ESPNZone, Times Square

Overheard by: Rachel W

Spanish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.

–M train

A hobo walks up to the people outside and says: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.

–Indochine, Lafayette Street

Drunk guy: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, “What’s the problem?”.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: JH

Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lobster? I’m only into boys, and don’t want to eat a girl.

–Austin ale house, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: tom

Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don’t pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Alita

The Waitress Served Her, and Then Served Her Food

Waitress: Do you want the pierogies boiled or fried?
Lady: What’s the difference?
Waitress: One’s boiled, one’s fried.

–Veselka, 2nd Avenue & 9th Street

Crop Dusting: Walking Down the Aisles and Passing Gas

Boy: Does crop dusting exist?
Stewardess: Sure does.
Boy: If it happened to me, I’d have to stop them and say, “Stop crop dusting, farty.”

–Chango, Park Avenue South

Sassy is the New Black

Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy’s just a little too sassy for me.

–Chat n’ Chew, E. 16th Street

Overheard by: Gus Colletti

Or Was That Mustard?

Lady: I’m lactose intolerant!
Waitress: Then why are you putting butter on your bread?
Lady: I didn’t know butter was dairy! I thought it came from eggs!

–Veselka, E 9th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Katznik

We Have a Very Wealthy Fuckwad Clientele

Yuppie customer: Can we have the tasting menu?
Waitress: You eat everything?
Yuppie customer: Yeah, sure.
Waitress: Gizzard?
Yuppie customer: I’ll eat the asshole if you put a tasty sauce on it.
Waitress: We don’t serve assholes here.
Yuppie customer: This is New York. How do you stay in business?

–Japanese restaurant

Overheard by: The Professor

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

This Picture Book Will Explain

Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It’s called the “Paul Bunyan”.
Bimbette: Is that French?

–High Life Cafe, Upper West Side

Overheard by: EthanK

You Can Take the Woman out of Georgia, but You Can’t Take the Spit out of Your Coffee

Waitress: Hi, sweetie, how are you?! Can I get you some more coffee, sweetie? Sweetie, you look like you’ve had a rough night, can I get you something else?
Queer looking up at waitress for a silent minute: Darling, I really hope this is your first day, ’cause clearly you are not skilled in the art of serving New Yorkers. I don’t know how they do things down South, but here in the city you ask us what we want, you bring it to us, and you walk away. You don’t make small talk, you don’t ask what’s wrong, and you sure as fuck don’t call us ‘Sweetie.’ Get it?
Waitress: Well, screw you! I don’t need to sit here and listen to some bratty–
Queer, clapping: –Yes! Just like that! Except next time, instead of ‘Screw you,’ I’d say ‘Fuck you.’ Much more effective. Now, may I please have a cup of coffee? Thanks, Georgia.

–Chelsea diner

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