Waiters

Hungry & Retarded: Terry Schiavo’s Last Dream

Lady: So if I get the eggs, what does that come with?
Waiter: Potatoes, toast…
Lady: What kind of potatoes?
Waiter: French fries.
Lady: What other kind of potatoes do you have?
Waiter: Mashed potatoes, baked potato…
Lady: Oh, those don’t go with eggs. Well, since it’s extra you can leave it off.
Waiter: The potatoes come with the eggs.
Lady: Can I substitute bacon?
Waiter: I can bring you a side of bacon.
Lady: How many strips come in a side, two or three?
Waiter: Three.
Lady: Can I just have two?

–University Restaurant, University Place

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

Waiter: If the Health Department showed up now we’d be out of business tomorrow.

–Barrymore’s, W. 45th Street

That Better Not Be Code for “No Jews Allowed”

Dumpling dude: Can I take your order?
Biker guy: Uh…can I get 4 dumplings?
Dumpling dude: Sure. What kind, sir?
Biker guy: The ones there with that uh…red monster sauce. No wait, do you have real monsters? I want some real monsters!
Dumpling dude: Sorry sir, we don’t serve real monsters here.

–Dumpling Man, St. Mark’s Place

They Got Shrimp Rolls and Egg Rolls for You

Lady: Do you have a sushi menu?
Waiter: This is a Chinese restaurant.
Lady: …So no sushi?

–Suzie’s, Bleecker Street

Overheard by: Joey

Sassy is the New Black

Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy’s just a little too sassy for me.

–Chat n’ Chew, E. 16th Street

Overheard by: Gus Colletti

Three Entries Submitted In A Row

Black guy: They’re taking over! Where the shit am I supposed to eat?

–Rivington Street

Customer: I’ll have a slice of the eggplant.
Pizza guy: You know that’s organic right?
Customer: That’s fine. How long have you guys been organic?
Pizza guy: Oh, about 2 weeks now. The white girls are loving it.

–Delancey & Essex pizzeria

Overheard by: Brian

Dad (to son, 6): Do you want to go to Cafe Pertutti or Oren’s Daily Roast?

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: RPK

Today’s Special: Passive Aggression

Waiter #1: Sit anywhere you’d like.
Guy: Thanks.

Waiter #2 diverts him to a small table in an occupied section.

Guy: So by “anywhere you’d like” you guys meant this exact table.
Waiter #2: Thank you.

–Clark’s, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: TG

All We Serve is Bitter

Trendy: I’d like a swiss burger and, instead of fries, can I substitute soup?
Waiter: No.
Trendy: OK, it was just a suggestion.
Waiter: Great. You can have it that way when you open your own restaurant.

–Pearl Street diner

What’s Next, $1 for a Water?

Lady: Here.
Pizza Guy: It’s $2.25.
Lady: I thought it was $1.50.
Pizza Guy: No, $2.25.
Lady: Oh wow, you guys raised your prices. I’ve been out of town for a while.
Pizza Guy: No, we didn’t. It’s $2.25. I don’t know where you can get $1.50 pizza…not even Brooklyn.

–Joe’s Pizza, West Village

Overheard by: Rachel W

Those Humps on Their Backs? Cancer.

Pizza dude: That guy smokes like a camel. Every 5 minutes he’s in there. He uses it as an excuse. And then it smells.

–Hotline Pizza, Bensonhurst

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