Queers

Haven’t You Pissed Off God Enough Already?

Queer #1: She’s kinda bummed…Her parents split; her dad’s marrying another man.
Queer #2: Luckily, that’s not atypical. 

–Elevator, 14th Street & 8th Avenue

Queer #1: I’ve been feeling so gross lately. I wonder if it’s because I’ve been having so much ass sex.
Queer #2: Gross like a whore?
Queer #1: No. Like, every time you shit your poop gets rubbed into your ass wounds. Maybe it’s making me sick…What? It’s like rubbing your papercuts in Bombay sewer water.

–Boysroom, Avenue A

Overheard by: zac

Queer: I don’t care about my boyfriend like I care about you. I am buying you these things because I love you.

His phone rings. 

Queer: Hello?…Aw, I love you, too. 

He hangs up.

Queer: That was him.

–Barney’s, Madison Avenue

It’s Like Iraq: the Curds Get in the Whey

Girl: … And then she put it in front of me, and I was like, ‘Hello! I hate cottage cheese!‘
Queer friend: Oh my god. Cottage cheese is albino diarrhea!

–90th & Broadway

Someone’s Gotta Field All Those Calls

Queer: Where does Dusty work?
Girl: At a church by Spring Street.
Queer: What does he do?
Girl: He’s an administrative assistant.
Queer: An administrative assistant to God?

–Union Square

God: There’s a good way?

Teen boy #1: Hey mister, does this train go to Manhattan?
Man: I think it’s supposed to, but the N’s messed up right now.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, the N train’s totally gay.
Man: Yeah, and not in the good way.

–Queensboro Plaza station

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

My New Wife, Wednesday One‐liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife. 

–B train

Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff 

Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on‐line, on Nerve – we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R‐U‐F‑F. The Truth! 

–Atlantic Avenue gas station

Overheard by: Megan 

Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.

–Newark airport

Overheard by: jk

But They’ll Never Spread For You

Guy: Lady, you got great legs.
Lady: I’m a lesbian!
Guy: Okay, you’re a lesbian who got great legs.
Lady: Oh…well, thanks.

–57th & Park

Overheard by: Heather

Nothing Comes Between Me and My Revulsion

Hip Hop girl #1: Yeah, they’re tight, but they make me look good in a mirror.
Hip Hop girl #2: Uh huh.
Hip Hop girl #1: And I like the camel toe. 

–22nd & 6th

Queer: My pants are so tight they’re soundproof! 

–Bleecker & West 11th

Overheard by: Justin 

We Were Always Jaclyn Smith Men, Ourselves

Queer: She’s very uncomfortable with her face. Well, she is 60. She said to me, “Why can’t I just grow old? Why can’t I just grow old like everyone else?” And I wanted to say, because you’re Farrah Fawcett, that’s why.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Valerie Goodman

The Wednesday One‐liners NYC Tour Guide

Black woman: This here is Chelsea. It’s where all the rich homosexuals live.

–18th Street between 7th & 8th

Teenage kid: There are some hot Chinese bitches at this stop, son!

–Fulton Street G station

Overheard by: Thomas Bugarin 

Woman: Well, I’m in Soho now…

–Union Square

Overheard by: Davis McDavis 

Queer: Oh, I went to Queens once. By accident. I was coming back from La Guardia and the taxi driver said he was taking me on a shortcut.

–Starlight, Avenue A

Overheard by: Lukas 

Thug: Next stop: Ghettoville, USA! That’s real America, none of this Japanese‐American bullshit. Mmmm…smell that? Smells like the East Village!

–A train

Guy: This is the new Wall Street Times building.

–41st & 8th construction site

Man: See, that’s the one. If I was gonna write it a letter, I would begin, “Dear Ugliest Building in New York City”.

–Westin Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: Kayla Cagan 

Guy on cell: Bond Street? It’s north of Houston Street so it’s not in Soho. But I don’t know what the neighborhood is called.

–City Hall Park

I’m Thinking Tisch

Girl: How do you like NYU so far?
Guy: I like it a lot.
Girl: So, are you at least bi‐curious yet?

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kelvin M Loh

Guy: Hey, I haven’t seen you in, like, two years.
Girl #1: Yeah, not since that time we made out at Cristina’s party…then you went to Paris.
Guy: …I’m gay now.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #2: NYU boys should really come with warning labels.

–Waverly Building elevator, Waverly Place

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