Older queer: …he ran right past his mother and plunged headfirst out the window. Nineteen stories down.
Younger queer: Oh my god! Was he on anything at the time?
Older queer: His mother said he was. But mothers always say that.
–23rd St. & 8th Ave.
Overheard by: djlindee
Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She’s weird like that.
–Chelsea taxicab
Teen girl #1: How do you know it’s uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.
–Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sara R.
Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, ’cause I’m going to shove it up your arse when I’m done.
–Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street
Queer #1: I can’t remember where you put my chapstick last night.
Queer #2: Really? I sure do.
Queer #1: Oh, shoot. I really needed them, my lips are really chapped.
–LaGuardia flight
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Queer: I heard Matt Lauer is gay.
Fag hag: No, I think he’s married.
Queer: Well, you know Sam Champion is gay, right?
Fag hag: Yeah, he’s open about it.
Queer: He and his lover came to Bloomingdale’s to buy bedding. They used to buy a lot of bedding.
–F train
Ghetto queer: …my favorite author is Patricia Cromwell. Her books are insane! They’re all about murder. It gets so crazy that the FBI even gets involved and shit! She’s my girl.
Ghetto chick: I like urban novels.
Ghetto queer: What’s that?
Ghetto chick: You know, like reality. Stuff about life on the streets.
Ghetto queer: Mmm…I can’t get into that. I got enough reality in my life. But my sister is getting me into this vampire stuff.
–G train
Overheard by: Jim
Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!
–2/3 train
Mother: Come here. You’re seven years old and you can’t fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.
–W. 53rd & 10th
Overheard by: James Shannon
Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they’d learn how to pronunciate words correctly.
–Angelo’s, 55th Street
Queer #1: …so essentially if I didn’t get accepted to NYU for law I would have become a magician.
Queer #2: Really?
Queer #1: Yeah. I have the hat and scarves and everything.
–Dojo, Greenwich Village
Queer #1: She’s kinda bummed…Her parents split; her dad’s marrying another man.
Queer #2: Luckily, that’s not atypical.
–Elevator, 14th Street & 8th Avenue
Queer #1: I’ve been feeling so gross lately. I wonder if it’s because I’ve been having so much ass sex.
Queer #2: Gross like a whore?
Queer #1: No. Like, every time you shit your poop gets rubbed into your ass wounds. Maybe it’s making me sick…What? It’s like rubbing your papercuts in Bombay sewer water.
–Boysroom, Avenue A
Overheard by: zac
Queer: I don’t care about my boyfriend like I care about you. I am buying you these things because I love you.
His phone rings.
Queer: Hello?…Aw, I love you, too.
He hangs up.
Queer: That was him.
–Barney’s, Madison Avenue
Girl: … And then she put it in front of me, and I was like, ‘Hello! I hate cottage cheese!’
Queer friend: Oh my god. Cottage cheese is albino diarrhea!
–90th & Broadway
Queer: Where does Dusty work?
Girl: At a church by Spring Street.
Queer: What does he do?
Girl: He’s an administrative assistant.
Queer: An administrative assistant to God?
–Union Square
