Woman: Nigga, where you goin’?
Boy: Mom, action figures!
Woman: Nigga, the action figures is right here!
–Toys R’ Us, Times Square
Woman: Nigga, where you goin’?
Boy: Mom, action figures!
Woman: Nigga, the action figures is right here!
–Toys R’ Us, Times Square
Mom: I don’t know why you brought me here. You know there’s nothing here that I can eat.
Chick: What about the steak, Mom? I thought you like steak?
Mom: Goddamn it! You know I forgot my teeth!
–Ruth’s Chris Steak House, W. 51st Street
Yuppie guy #1: I’ll have a strawberry margarita. As fruity as possible. I just cover it up with a wife and kids.
Yuppie guy #2: Hey, I’m married, and I’m still not comfortable with my sexuality.
Yuppie guy #1: Really?
–79th Street Boat Basin
Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
–Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
–C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I’m gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
–68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
–Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that’s the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
–52 & Lexington
Chick on cell: I mean, an Easter egg hunt, but with cigarettes? How cool would that be?
–6th between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: djlindee
Woman: So there were three of us, standing around the toilet, and we each threw our cigarette butts one by one into the toilet, and when I flushed it, there was this…space. And through that space I saw my family at the other end…
–Prospect Park Bandshell
Overheard by: MissHell
Man: I want to get down to a carton of cigarettes for each paycheck.
–Sunset Park
Overheard by: Priscilla Grim
Dad: …you’ve got to use your middle finger.
Son: Which one’s the middle finger?
Dad: This one.
Son: Why’s it called the middle finger?
Dad: Because it’s in the middle of your hand, I guess. There’s two fingers on either side.
Son: That’s retarded.
Dad: It may sound retarded, but that’s the way it is.
–Astoria corner store
Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole.
Mother: Lady, you can’t sit there, you’re crushing him!
Lady: I’m old enough to sit, he’s young enough to stand.
Mother: You’re crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I’m old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here.
He moves to her lap.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don’t fight on the train!
Lady’s husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I’m telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We’re getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God.
The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible.
–6 train
Italian sister #1: I was coming here and this man fell down the stairs so I helped him. He kept falling down and falling down.
Italian sister #2: Was he old?
Italian sister #1: No, he was Chinese. Middle aged man.
Italian sister #1: I’ve got that movie at home about the airport.
Italian sister #2: What? Oh, um, Terminal?
Italian brother: What’s that?
Italian sister #1: It’s got Catherine Zeta Jones and, um, what’s his name?
Italian brother: George Clooney?
Italian sister #1: No, he was in Forrest Gump. What’s his name?
Italian sister #1: She’s proposing to her boyfriend. With a watch! And it’s not even a Rolex, it’s a Tag.
Italian brother: She’s proposing to her boyfriend?
Italian sister #1: Yeah. If you’re going to force your boyfriend to marry you, at least get him a Rolex. Plus she’s fat and ugly. If guys don’t propose, girls don’t know what to do. So they go get a Tag watch!
Italian sister #2: Remember yesterday when that Chinese girl’s phone went off and it was a cat? I was like, “Dinner calling!”
Italian brother: That was funny.
–D train
Dad to sullen goth son: Are you okay?
Goth: I will be…someday.
–Midtown
B&T daughter: Let's move to the front, we still have eight minutes.
B&T mother: Oh my god, are we moving?!
Random guy: Uh, that's the other train that's moving.
–LIRR Train
