Aged cokehead #1: I know that face from somewhere, you look really familiar…
Aged cokehead #2: Yeah, I think I’ve seen your face somewhere.
Aged cokehead #1: Maybe from the same circle‐jerk?
Aged cokehead #2: No, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Here’s $20 for the wine.
–Lexington & 28th St
Overheard by: The Wine Girls
Old woman #1: She’s a loony!
Old woman #2: Maybe she’s going through the change…
Old woman #1: No. She’s a loony.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: JC
Older woman #1: This is my shih tzu. I got her when my yorkie died.
Older woman #2: I got my yorkie when my sister died.
Older woman #1: I don’t know what I’d do if my shih tzu died.
–Union Square
Girl wearing leggings as pants: I love your watch… does it flip open?
(frail elderly woman looks confused)
Girl: That, your watch.
Frail elderly woman: This is my life alert. If I fall, I can call for help.
Girl: Oh! Uh… well, it goes really well with your outfit.
Frail elderly woman: It doesn’t come it any other colors. Just beige.
–Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: misskitty
Old junkie guy #1: …So the bitch is fucking bitching about wearin’ a condom. She won’t let me bust my nut in her ’til I slap one on. So I do! And the bitch gives me crabs!
Old junkie guy #2: What a ho.
–Bx15 bus
Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I’d be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.
–8th St & Bedford Ave
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”
–4 Train
Guy: Your fly is unzipped.
Girl: Oh…
Oldish lady: Easy access, kid! Goodness, you should be fucking already!
–Christopher St
Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don’t like you! Don’t you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!
–176th & Broadway
Overheard by: emily d.
Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!
–2nd Ave & 10th St
Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good‐looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!
–Midtown Bar
Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?
–Broadway & 13th St
Old woman: Mom, look at this bag. Isn’t it cute?
Really old woman: Ewww! No!
She slaps her daughter’s wrist.
Really old woman: It’s ugly! That color! You have no taste!
Old woman: Jeez, Mom. I just thought it would be a nice bag for spring. You didn’t have to slap me.
Really old woman: Now I won’t have to look at it! Or you!
–Lord and Taylor
