Old People

The Very Limited Minutes Plan

An old Russian man has put his bag on the seat next to him. An old lady asks him to move it. He refuses as there are other seats albeit not in the front. Things get escalated until the old lady says: You’re a son of a bitch. I’d like to see you hit me with that. I’ll call the cops right now. I’ve got my cell phone!

–B1 bus

(After this exchange our editor handed her his card and told her that she would be on this site. She was confused on so many levels that they kind of cancelled out and she nodded & smiled.)

“I’ll teach you the meaning of bon pain.”

Little old man: Hold on! That card is full, so I get one free.
Jamaican lady: I know! I see!
Little old man: Don’t be gettin’ fresh with me either.
Jamaican lady: Or what? What you goin’ do?

–Au Bon Pain, Broad Street

Overheard by: Mark S.

Going to the Talkies (A NYC Short Story)

Old lady: What’s going on here?
Woman on line: They’re premiering a new film by Todd Solondz
Old lady: Yeah, but what’s it about?
Woman on line: It’s a pretty dark, sadistic movie.
Old lady: What’s it about? Did you not understand me the first time?
Woman on line: I haven’t seen it yet so I don’t know!
Old lady: Jesus. Standing on line for god knows how long and you don’t know a damn thing about what you’re there for!

–outside Chelsea Cinemas, W. 23rd Street

Overheard by: Abbie Mullaney

Because Old People Dying is a New Phenomenon

Old Guy #1: Oh, he’s probably dead. That other guy too. What was his name?
Old Guy #2: And his friend, that writer. Haven’t seen him around either.
Old Guy #1: Do you remember that guy that used to play chess with you?
Old Guy #2: Yeah.
Old Guy #1: I just found out he’s dead too.
Old Guy #2: The city’s changing.

–9th St. between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Alex Romanovich

…and that’s One to Grow On

Middle aged woman: You gots laxatives? Where da laxatives?
Shelfstacker: Laxawhat?
Middle aged woman: Oh yeah, youse too young to know about it, huh? When you gets to my age, you know all about it.

–CVS, 96th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: erra

Jimmy Fallon and Latifah Have Already Optioned the Rights

Old white veteran: Why can’t I walk? Did I have a stroke?
Black lady aide: You can walk.
Old veteran: Then who’s that wheelchair belong to?
Black lady aide: You can walk, but you can’t walk far.

–VA Center, St. Albans, Queens

Overheard by: Eddie Blanco

The Original Playa

Old woman: Did you see this play?
Old man: Yes.
Old woman: Well, do you know who the father of the baby is?
Old man: Well, I know it wasn’t me.

–59th & Park

Readers: Answer This Linguistic Conundrum

Old man: Lloyd. Proper name or suffix?

–2nd Ave. & 68th St.

Overheard by: Eric

First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do

A guy pops his gum.

An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don’t hear you? I’ve asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can’t do that in a public place! It’s a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?

–Penn Station

“Plus, the ossified labias.”

Old man: So I have all these women on the phone saying “We should get together…Oh, we should meet up.”.
Old woman: Well, why don’t you?
Old man: These women, they go to the opera, their husbands are dead. I’m not that lonely.

–60th & Columbus

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