A hobo has a cardboard sign that says “Ninjas killed parents, need money for Kugn [sic] Fu lessons.”
A cop comes up, and the hobo says: I don’t know why. I’ve already had five police come by and bother me today.
–14th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey
(cf. This guy.)
Tween boy: I’m gonna fight you, Steve…I’m gonna trash yo’ face, son…you gonna have to go to Jonathan Zizmor, son.
–6 train
Hobo #1: Yo, man, yo, come on, I’ma fuck you up.
Hobo #2: Ain’t gon’ be no fightin’ out here, brother. You gon’ be fightin’ all by yo’self.
Hobo #1: Aight, yo, come on then, I’ll fuck me up first, then I’ll fuck you up, too!
–outside the Bowery Mission
Overheard by: Shane
AM New York guy: AM New York! AM!
Metro lady: Shaddap!
AM New York guy: AM! AM!
Metro lady: Shaddap! Shaddap! Metro!
–42nd & Park
Overheard by: Jodie Goodnough
AM New York lady: AM New York! They ain’t playin’.
–53rd & 7th
Overheard by: Camodee D
Dude #1: Fuckin’ Nate, man…
Dude #2: Yeah, fuckin’ Nate.
Dude #1: I mean, the time he beat up that bird is just like the time he bludgeoned that snake.
Dude #2: To be fair, if you were drunk on tequila at your 40th birthday party, you’d beat up a bird too.
Dude #1: Yeah, I guess so.
–Columbia University Psych Lab
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
–Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
–C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I’m gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
–68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
–Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that’s the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
–52 & Lexington
Guy #1: He was fucking me up and it wasn’t easy.
Guy #2: Yeah, I bet it was hard.
–51st & 8th
Overheard by: Weill
Black chick: Yeah, I broke my sister’s knee with a baseball bat.
White chick: Wow, me and my sister had some bad fights but your’s top all our fights. You must really hate each other.
Black chick: No, I did it out of love.
White chick: What do you mean?
Black chick: My sister’s in the Army Reserve. They called her unit up to go to Iraq. I hit her on purpose so she wouldn’t have to go. I had to hit her twice to make sure her knee was broken.
–Tillary Street, Downtown Brooklyn
Man: Of course you have to pick the row with the cripple. I can’t get up now because I’ll feel bad that she has to use her cane every time!
Woman: Frankly, I didn’t even notice.
Man: Yeah, till you kicked her cane!
–Prospect Park Bandshell
Girl: Excuse me!…Would you guys keep it down? I am trying to listen to the band!
Guy: Oh, I am sorry…Would you mind crossing your legs? I am trying to enjoy the outdoors.
–Prospect Park Bandshell
Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole.
Mother: Lady, you can’t sit there, you’re crushing him!
Lady: I’m old enough to sit, he’s young enough to stand.
Mother: You’re crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I’m old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here.
He moves to her lap.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don’t fight on the train!
Lady’s husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I’m telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We’re getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God.
The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible.
–6 train
