A wheeltard, one leg a stump, grows more and more agitated while waiting for someone to come out of the men’s room. He starts banging his chair repeatedly into the door. Finally it opens. He rolls into the doorway.
Wheeltard: I could kick your motherfucking ass if I had another leg, motherfucker! How do you know I don’t have a gun? In fact, I do have a gun!
–McDonald’s, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Sarah T.
Hobo #1: Yo, man, yo, come on, I’ma fuck you up.
Hobo #2: Ain’t gon’ be no fightin’ out here, brother. You gon’ be fightin’ all by yo’self.
Hobo #1: Aight, yo, come on then, I’ll fuck me up first, then I’ll fuck you up, too!
–outside the Bowery Mission
Overheard by: Shane
Queer: That bitch thinks he’s some Andy Warhol superstar! Fuck him bloody!
–Ludlow & Houston
Guy #1: I’m going to dead you, pal. You’ll see. The next time you come around you’re a dead man. You raped my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, you’re a dead man walkin’. I’m looking for you, you’ll see. You’re a dead man. I’m looking for you.
Guy #2: He’s right there!
–The Gate – Park Slope
Overheard by: Alex Tarampi
Girl on cell: If you beat somebody up real bad and they press charges, how much time can you get for that?…No, if they press charges against you.
–Macy’s
Overheard by: Katie C
Boy, 5: Lady, I’m gonna cut off your head and feed it to my family.
–14th & 2nd
Overheard by: djlindee
Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.
–43rd & 7th
Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!
–N train
Overheard by: Gregorio
The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
–A train
Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.
–M86 bus
Overheard by: Diane
Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It’s that simple.
–S train
Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane.
–F train
Tween girl: …when her water broke, she rode her bike to the hospital. How ghetto is that?
–B44 bus
Lady: They better give me my money back or I’m gonna get 7 on my side!
–K-mart, Staten Island
Overheard by: tony
Store guy on cell: Nah, man I can’t go out tonight! I’m broke! I just paid for an abortion.
–Pathmark, Cherry Street
Overheard by: Jubie D.
Suit: I need to go uptown, where they know the difference between a hot dog and a frankfurter.
–The Water Club, E. 23rd Street
Overheard by: Dave
Guy #1: What the fuck is it, walk slow day?
Woman: Yes, it’s walk slow day, I’m from New Yo–
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up. I’m from 106 and Lex. I’ll cut you…See, that’s how you gotta do it. The second some crabby lady starts, you just say, “shut the fuck up.” Escalate immediately.
–Spring & Broadway
Fat lady #1: Excuse me, could you move over?
Thin woman: Well, I can’t move over anymore.
Fat lady #1: Excuse me, could you move over?
Fat lady #2: There is no way you’re going to fit in that space.
Fat lady #1: If you moved over I could. I’m not fat like you.
Fat lady #2: Not only are you fat, but you’re crazy. You think I’m fat? Get away before I eat you.
–E train
British chick: Now not only do I have to blow up Bank of America, I now have to blow up Macy’s.
–27th Street office
Teenage girl shaking her fist: Fuck you Duane Reade! Gah!
–76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chella
Woman: I feel like I’m in eastern Europe. This Duane Reade is ghetto.
–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th
Woman: So I was like, “Move your hand! What is this, Cinemax?”
–Times Square
