Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn’t.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don’t let him pet you.
–Central Park
Overheard by: amused tourist
Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn’t.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don’t let him pet you.
–Central Park
Overheard by: amused tourist
Three-year-old boy, to dad: I'mma deck you in the balls!
Dad: I'ma deck you back!
Three-year-old boy: Well, it won't hurt!
–125th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Joyful
Hispanic dude, about large Pitbull: Yo, this nigga is the one! I'ma take this nigga home with me!
Girlfriend, about adjacent dog: I like this one!
Hispanic dude: Bitch, fuck you! I'ma take the dog and leave you here! Put you in the dog cage, take this nigga home!
–Animal Care and Control, Adoptable Dog Ward
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Queer: I am not paying for the appetizer, because it came out at the same time as our entree and it should have come out before.
Ghetto waitress: You have to pay for it, because I brought it out.
Queer: Well, when you don’t get money for it don’t be alarmed!
Ghetto waitress: You’re lucky you even got your food!
–Diner, 51st & 9th
Overheard by: Rich
Woman: You need to swim as much as possible to keep the evil away.
–Riverbank State Park
Guy: Don’t they have a special section for people in jail?
–Hallmark, 23rd Street
Overheard by: nj
Grandfather: If you don’t listen, I’m never taking you anyplace else dangerous again.
–Belvedere Castle
Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I decided it’s not okay for my kids to play with firearms anymore.
–4 train
Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.
–85th & Lexington
Overheard by: Harri
Guy on cell: How should I know who’s going to be there?…Why do you care who’s going to be there? It’s a funeral, not a fucking social event.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Ciaran
Woman on cell: Dude, I have a shagadelic aura, because they fucked all night when they were here. That’s why I sold them.
–Coney Island
Overheard by: Selenay
Suit: Man, I was upstate last week, fuck that clean air shit.
–62nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Tabitha
Guy: We’re all Cannabis. We get the chance, we’ll eat each other.
–Kudo Beans, 1st Avenue
Queer: Oh, I forgot to fucking tell you. I sold my soul for $150.
–Christopher Street
(drunk group of 20-somethings stumble out of a bar onto the street)
Unstable random lady: Alcoholic! You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous!
Drunk guy: Dude, just mind your own business.
Unstable random lady: Don't call me dude! I'll call the cops on you!
–W 3rd & Thompson
Strange guy: Excuse me, NYU students?
Guy #1: Yeah?
Strange guy: I’m your biggest rival.
Guy #1: Huh?
Strange guy: Columbia. Law school. I’m coming for you.
Guy #1: Okay…
Strange guy: Employer sees résumé from NYU, résumé from Columbia, always picks Columbia.
Guy #1: Okay. Have a nice day.
Strange guy: I’m coming for you, trust fund baby.
Guy #2: I’m sure that Columbia résumé makes up for not having a penis…
Guy #1: Trust fund baby?
Strange guy: Columbia. [Flicks them off and leaves.]
–Starbucks, Astor Pl & Lafayette
Overheard by: NYU Student
Test-taker: What happens if we don’t know our social security number?
Proctor, in thick Russian accent: Then we dismiss your test and eat you alive!
–Edward R. Murrow High, Brooklyn
Overheard by: melanie
Conductor: Attention! You’ve boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you’re trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!
–5 train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Silvy
Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for… Aw, hell, there ain’t no transfer here. Get in the damn train.
–E train from JFK, around 5th Ave
Overheard by: ntrprnr
Conductor: Okay everyone, we’re going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn’t the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.
–Acela, to NYC
Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time
Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.
–LIRR
Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl
Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!
–Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn’t open. If you don’t listen, I don’t really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain’t saying it again!
–LIRR, Jamaica station
Overheard by: commuter
Conductor: Y’all, these suckahs gon’ be on this train for hours!
–1 train
Old Man: You put your hands on me again, I’ll cut your fucking throat.
–Post Office, Bensonhurst
