Man on cell: Wait, you’re telling me my money went to help some kid go to camp? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? I thought I was curing a cripple or some shit like that. What’s up with that? I never went to camp when I was a kid. Good to hear some brat I never met is going to be swimming in a lake all summer long while my nephew is cooling himself off by a hydrant in the street.
–Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Victor Hugo
Black guy on cell: Yeah, man, you know. I don’t do that stuff no more, y’know what I’m sayin’? I used to, but I leave all that stuff in the past. I know where it’s all at, though, in case I have to go back to it, I can, y’know? I can still work it so if they fuck up, someone ain’t gonna see they momma in the mornin’, y’know?
–Metro North train
Overheard by: Mike Sidoti
Big booty girl #1: Bubble Boy. I love that movie.
Big booty girl #2: Yeah me, too.
Big booty girl #1: No, I really love that movie.
Big booty girl #2: Yeah, it’s funny.
Big booty girl #1: That used to be my ex-boyfriend and me’s movie…but that’s not why I love it.
–Times Square
Spinster #1: Really reminds you of your first love, doesn’t it?
Spinster #2: Yeah, that and segregation.
—Hairspray matinee
Dude #1: Shit, man, they don't give blowjobs like that anymore.
Dude #2: Yeah, man… The lost golden age of blowjobs.
Dude #1: Dude, we should figure out a way to sell like, “classic blowjobs.” We'd make a shit-ton of money. Every dude would want one!
Dude #2: Classic blowjobs? How the fuck we gonna do that?
Dude #1: Pimp it out, man! Pimp it out! (pause) Unless that shit's patented, or some shit.
–Crowded Downtown 2 Train
Drunk guy #1: Yo, how funny was that when I told him, ‘Dude, just stick your balls in her mouth’? Remember that?
Drunk guy #2: Ewww, man, his balls are disgusting!
–LIRR
Overheard by: mrbojangles
Queer: Who’s up there?
Woman: Madonna.
Queer: Oh, well, I figured, obviously. I’d recognize her back anywhere.
–Times Square
Queer: Oh my God, are they Voguing? That is so 1990.
–Times Square
Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.
–St. Marks & 3rd Ave
Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?
–D train
Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan
Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.
–Magnolia Bakery
Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.
–14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emilia
Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’
–Grand Central Station
British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.
–Varick & King St
Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’
–Columbia campus
Overheard by: Cheney
Bimbette daughter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were little?
Old hippie father: Yeah, before I moved to Oregon. We had cows.
Bimbette daughter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hippie father: Yeah, but cows don’t help with household chores, though. Only crocodiles can do that.
Bimbette daughter: Word.
–Barnes & Noble
Guy #1: Oh man, they have the old GI Joe figures for sale on this site.
Guy #2: Oh shit, really? That’s awesome.
Guy #3: Yo, what site are you guys looking at?
Guy #4: www.neverbeenlaid.org.
–Starbucks, 7th between 49th & 50th
Overheard by: Jon
