BJs

Guy: I drink so much coffee, that if my girlfriend gives me a blowjob she can’t sleep all night afterwards.

–Wall St. Starbucks

Black chick: It smells like the bottom of a slave ship in here.

–Sapphire Lounge, LES

Guy on cell: It’s not like I sucked some guy’s dick last…oh wait, I did!

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: a.alvarez & c.palmatier

Guy: I’m sorry, I left my foundation at home today.

–The Flame, Clinton

Overheard by: Sandy

Homey #1: Yo, hold up…Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.

–L Train, 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Brian McCaffrey

Thug: Damn! You can’t go nowhere now without seeing faggots. I saw two brothers holding hands on the train the other day. It’s like they were coming out of the closet on the train!
Thugette: There ain’t no closet on the train.

–L Train, 8th Avenue

Chick: Since we broke up you’ve been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah…
Chick: You shouldn’t smoke.
Guy: You shouldn’t suck so much dick but you don’t hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!

–B Train

Overheard by: another now single smoker

Esteban Has Pole Vaulted Into Our Hearts

Girl #1: Oh my god! It was so big I could feel it in my throat!
Girl #2: I know, I call it his third leg.

–JFK Airport

College kid #1: So basically I didn’t jerk off for a week so I could bust a huge load in her mouth. Have you ever done that?
College kid #2: Yeah, but never purposefully.

–Houston & Ave of Americas

Grad student girl: How did your work go today?
Grad student guy: Pretty good. I took some Adderall. God, it helps–it's like crack.
Grad student girl: Oh my god! Really? I'll suck your dick for a pill.
Grad student guy: Damn straight you will.

–Fish Bar, East Village

Overheard by: John-John

20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!

–Pet Food Store

Overheard by: Nathalie

Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?

–8th & Broadway

Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn?

–Chambers St. & West Broadway

Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.

–MacDougal & 8th St

Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.

–Canal & Orchard, Chinatown

Overheard by: Lauren T.

Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.

–Delancey & Essex

Dude #1: Shit, man, they don't give blowjobs like that anymore.
Dude #2: Yeah, man… The lost golden age of blowjobs.
Dude #1: Dude, we should figure out a way to sell like, “classic blowjobs.” We'd make a shit-ton of money. Every dude would want one!
Dude #2: Classic blowjobs? How the fuck we gonna do that?
Dude #1: Pimp it out, man! Pimp it out! (pause) Unless that shit's patented, or some shit.

–Crowded Downtown 2 Train

Slutty girlfriend: You’re too thick for me to properly give you head, though.
Moron boyfriend: You callin’ me stupid?

–Fordham University