20‐something Puerto Rican on cell: We’re walking to the court right now. Yeah, he is an asshole, she’s gonna get an order of protection.
20‐something black woman, yelling: Yeah, I am tired of his violent shit!
20‐something Puerto Rican: Uh‐huh, but we’re gonna get a patty first. She’s hungry.
–Jamaica Ave & 153rd St, Queens
Overheard by: walking to court
Chinese guy: Excuse me, I think I dropped my wallet in this store. Did you guys happen to see a wallet anywhere in here?
Clerk: I’m sorry sir, we are good Buddhist people, and we good Buddhist people are always moral, and we would never do such a thing as stealing your wallet.
Chinese guy: I never said you stole my wallet, I just asked if you’ve seen my wallet.
Clerk: Goodbye, please come again. Next on line!
Chinese guy: Go fuck Buddha!
Translated from the Chinese.
–Flushing store
Overheard by: Ting
Man: Excuse me…I just wanted to let you know that I was walking just outside this station and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and started saying something crazy.
MTA lady: Did he take anything from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!
–Clinton‐Washington Avenues station
Overheard by: Marla Shu
Charity mugger: Hey, you girls like puppies, right?
Girl #1: I hate puppies.
Charity mugger: Umm, well you want to help the Katrina victims, right?
Girl #1: I hate Southerners.
Girl #2: New Orleans was a place of sin. Good riddance.
–Brooklyn Bridge‐City Hall station
Creepy dude, walking up to two college kids: Hey, you guys look pretty smart, can I ask you a question?
College guy: Uh, we can’t um… help you.
Creepy dude: I’m not asking for money, I just have a question. So if someone like, is an accomplice in a kidnapping, are they just as liable as the person who did the actual kidnapping?
College guy: I think it depends.
Creepy dude: Great! Thanks. (creepy dude walks away)
College chick: Is this one of those, “if you see something, say something” moments? Maybe we should call a popo.
–Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Girl #1: But, like, don’t you think you should find out why the person is in jail before you have sex with them?
Girl #2: I guess so.
–Columbia
Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.
Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn’t last a second in Attica.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: acep
Guy on cell: Jeff, it’s me. Quick question — when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? … ‘Cause these guys won’t leave me the fuck alone…
–Staten Island Ferry
Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it’s like in a Mexican prison!
–Pugsley’s
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He’s the chef at Michigan State Prison.
–Broadway & Spring St
Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that’s one thing — I wouldn’t say nothing, ’cause that’s God, you know? But she ain’t God, and I’m about to go to jail over her ass.
–Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: santos
Woman: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she’s the one – she’s the one who committed manslaughter.
–Elevator, Macy’s
Cashier girl: You know, we haven’t gotten robbed in a while. I can’t believe it!
–Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway
Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!
–E train platform, 14th St
Overheard by: Cameron Rose
Dude: I’m just glad to be off the FBI’s Most Wanted list.
–Bleecker & MacDougal
Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy…I had to call him back after I read that…But at least he’s not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.
–Union Square
Overheard by: confabulation nation
20‐Something guy: It wouldn’t look good on your job application if you got arrested.
–5th Ave
Overheard by: Kathy
Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it’s not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It’s about you taking that nice woman’s wallet.
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: SUSAN
Lady cop: Did you hear about that handyman in the Long Island school who was videotaping the little girls?
Cop guy #1: Yeah, he’s a sick fuck!
Cop guy #2: Yeah, sick fuck! They’re little girls, it’s not like you can see anything good!
–108th Precinct, Sunnyside
Geek: Well, she was dog‐sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn’t get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn’t have a car and didn’t know what to do with it because she couldn’t carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn’t think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, ‘Electronics!’ Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: … Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can’t wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later…] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face… Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!
–Metro‐North, New Haven line
