Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do…only metaphorically.

–William Street & Maiden Lane

Overheard by: shawn mac

Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale’s.

–Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th

Overheard by: Emily

Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish.

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Woman on cell: So he was like, “Why are we taking a cab? It’s only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day.” And I was like, “I only exercise the way God intended…on a treadmill.” I mean, whatever! Right?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: kittikat

Posted on May 6, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Ass, Computer, Death, Fitness, God, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museums, On Cell, Retail Therapy, Rich people, Shopping, Soho, Travel, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-liners for the New German Pope

Preacher: What does God think of your sex life? Are you a winner or are you a chicken dinner?

–42nd Street station

Overheard by: Brian Lang

Teen boy: I must be the Antichrist! Every time I pass by a church it blows up. It’s happened twice already!

–30th & 7th

Guy: Why? Because I’m lazy, and I’m Jewish!

–MacDougal Street

Posted on January 19, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, God, God Squad, Guys, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Religion, The Village, Tweens

Wednesday One-Liners Accept All Seven Genders

Bus driver, to guy entering bus: Sorry, ladies only.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Jobee

Tranny: Girl, you gotta keep that penis.

–Midtown

Chick on cell: I like the idea of having a penis.

–Harlem

Overheard by: hott bi luvr

Woman: Unless they’re gay, in which case you should just pretend I said men instead of girls. But it’s all still true.

–47th & 8th

Man on cell: Everyone is asking me if I’m a lesbian this week. What is that about?

–Christopher & Bedford

Overheard by: staso

Woman to co-worker: So he has all girls as daughters.

–225 Broadway, 4th floor

Overheard by: Jennifer

Queer: God, I either need to fuck a boy or a trannie tonight!

–13th & Broadway

Overheard by: liza

Posted on May 22, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, God, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Lesbians, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Penis, Queer guys, Relationships, Stupidity, The Village, Trannies

Wednesday One-Liners Tartare

Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn't.

–6 Train

Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding

B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.

–80 Pine St

Overheard by: It's me

Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.

–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: evanescent

Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it's like a sausage.

–NYU Classroom

Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Murphy

Posted on January 29, 2023
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Classroom, Compare/Contrast, Death, Duane Reade, Food, Friends, Girls, God, Hair, Men, Moms, Murder, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

God: Didn't I Issue a Commandment Against That?

Guy #1: Did you hear that Beyonce is playing Eartha Kitt in a biopic?
Guy #2: What the fuck? Are you serious? I need to get in contact with god!
Guy #1: Yeah, I think we are in our last days, like old people say.

–5th Ave b/w 18th & 19th St

Posted on June 18, 2021
About Celebrities, God, Gossip, Guys, Insults, Questions, Union Square and East Village

I’m Really Sick of Him Filling Me Up with His Love

Jesus freak: Before you make love to your wife, you must make love to God.
Blonde: Ewww!

–2 train

Overheard by: invid

Posted on June 4, 2021
God, God Squad, On the Subway, Sex

Much Like the Continued Popularity of Walker: Texas Ranger

Drunk guy to laughing Asian: There is no theory of evolution–only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Girlfriend: Babe, no more Chuck Norris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor…
Girlfriend: No, give me one good reason you should talk about Chuck Norris.
Drunk guy (without hesitation): Cause god wanted 10 days to create the world, and Chuck Norris only gave him 6, do you want an 8-day work week? Huh?
Girlfriend to friend: How did I just lose this argument?
Friend: Yeah, that was unexpected.

–Zanzibar Bar

Overheard by: Wish i was chuck norris

Posted on May 29, 2021
About Celebrities, Asians, Bars & Clubs, Drunks, Friends, Girlfriends, God, Science, Time, Weirdness

So I Can Pour It Over Your Head

Tall man to fat woman (after pouring two glasses of water): You want a glass?
Fat woman: No, thanks.
Tall man: God told me to pour two glasses. He talks to me all the time.
Fat woman: Okay, if your god told you, I have to take it.

–Montefiore Medical Center

Overheard by: Juantanom Bay

Posted on November 17, 2020
Fat People, God, Hospitals, Men, Offers and requests, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy Team Sports

20-something guy on BlackBerry: No, he's not gay. I was in a fivesome with him, but he's not gay.

–L Train

Girl to gay friend after walking into gay bar: Dude, either find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.

–NYC

Girl to guy friends: I mean, he's okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Angry woman on phone: While you're out having orgies I am doing the real work!

–Victorian Flatbush

Pretentious professor type in academic tone: My ex had unrealistic fantasies. She used to dream about being fucked by God and Satan and the same time. How could I live up to that?

–NYU

Posted on January 9, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Dreams, Friends, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, God, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kink, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgy, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Race, Satan, Sex, Sexuality, Street, Teachers/Professors, Three is Company, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You're welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don't give him your number. He's got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn't have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I'm sorry, I've just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt

Posted on January 30, 2019
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Astoria, Battery Park, Brooklyn, Friends, Friendship, Girls, God, Guys, Insults, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Promiscuity, Relationships, Science, Sex, STDs, Street, Suits, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires