Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.
–Madison Square Park
Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.
–Madison Square Park
President: …and drop it off on the Upper West Side at 77th and 2nd.
Assistant chick: But that’s the East Side, you mean–
President: No, the West side at seventy-seventh and 2nd!
–E. 33rd Street office
Girl #1: I wish I still smoked so I would have a reason to go outside every 20 minutes.
Girl #2: But then you’d have cancer.
–Chelsea elevator
Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.
–Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum
Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy’s just a little too sassy for me.
–Chat n’ Chew, E. 16th Street
Overheard by: Gus Colletti
Businesswoman: You know, I used to get worked up over that too, but it’s not my career. I don’t care anymore. Just pay me and don’t disrespect me, slap my ass, or call me “nigger”, and we’re cool.
–Quizno’s, 14th & 6th
Man: I thought you were the type who made coffee at home.
Woman: I can easily make coffee at home. I’m having tea.
–Starbucks, 81st & Columbus
Commuter: Are there delays?
Token booth collector: No ma’am, there are no delays at this station.
Commuter: Then why are there more people than trains?
–Fulton Street station
Office worker #1: Fred Wertheimer? He’s the husband of the fabulous Linda Wertheimer…
Office worker #2: Who is that?
Office worker #1: She is a really famous radio person on NPR.
Office worker #2: What is NPR?
–Midtown office
A record company assistant is flirting with an older music executive. She asks: Do you have a girlfriend?
He responds by holding out his hand with fingers extended to show his wedding band.
Assistant: You have five girlfriends?
–Joe’s Pub
