Girlfriends

My Shit Only Has Dental Coverage

Guy #1: So she fine?
Guy #2: Yeah, man, and get this, dog: she’s got full benefits!
Guy #1: Yo man, you better marry that shit!

–Elevator, 42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Manny M

Girl #1: So $120 of antibiotics later, my cat should be just fine.
Girl #2: Doesn’t your cat have health insurance?
Girl #1: Yes, but it doesn’t cover prescription drugs.
Girl #2: Do they offer that type of coverage?
Girl #1: If anyone’s getting an optional rider prescription drug plan in my apartment, it’s going to be me.

–Inwood

Overheard by: Melissa Mink

Her Travelling Story was a Crock

Woman #1: And what about the vacation?
Woman #2: It was great. But I’m so glad to be back on firma terra cotta.

–42nd & Lexington

Overheard by: Ellen Beckerman

Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed

Asian guy: She’s crazy. She’s obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she’s hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she’s crazy…but she’s hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?

–F train

Overheard by: emdashes

Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.

–St. Mark’s Place

It’s Pronounced “Adultery”

Girl #1: So I want to get married but he won’t move out of his neighborhood.
Girl #2: What, does he have like agoraphobia or something?
Girl #1: I think it’s more like that Seinfeld episode.
Girl #2: Seinfeld had agoraphobia?

–Staten Island ferry

Overheard by: Paola Suarez-Papp

My Brother Died of Herpes of the Shit

Girl #1: …and I told him, he was going over there all the time and letting the dog lick in the face and kiss him.
Girl #2: And now he gots herpes of the mouth and shit.

–Bushwick

Overheard by: Spider

This Weekend: Greenpoint. Next Falls Williamsburg!

Girlfriend: You were supposed to read that article over the weekend. But I guess reenacting World War Two was more important!

–Fort Greene

Overheard by: Faustus

What Kind Of Girl Do You Take Me For?

Frat dude to girlfriend, after 20 minutes of drunken heavy petting: So, are we gonna have some anal sex tonight?!
Drunk chick: I don't…really do that.

–D Train

Some Half-Baked Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b-o-n-g.

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyle

Man in light green suit with orange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don't smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don't get high tonight!

–125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Plausible

Young hipster: So I said, "Mom, did you smoke with me?"

–Central Park Reservoir

Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don't want me smoking pot, you don't want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don't want me chewing gum and now you don't like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that's okay with you?

–L Train

Overheard by: It's me, bitches.

Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you're smoking is really good.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: me too

Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I'm serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don't you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can't see anymore and then I'll be there. Alright? Bye.

–8th Ave & 27th St

Overheard by: Erica Friedman

Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn't smell like weed?

–Washington Square Park

The Biggest Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Is there a way to block fat people on OkCupid?

–Bedford Ave & 8th

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Remember the other day when you told me I had a fat ass and I didn't curse you out? So now you gonna buy me something.

–Pizzeria, 77th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Eric

Older woman waiting for a seat: Oh good, the fat one got up. Shit, an even fatter sits down.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Henry Pena

Posh-looking Asian chick: But he consumed over 6,000 calories a day, so he deserved whatever he had coming.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

White hip-hopper on cell: Yeah, she's so big I thought there was two of her. Then I realized she was a dude!

–Broome & Forsyth

Overheard by: Terry

How About Some Frank Sinatra That Will Leave You Only Mildly Depressed?

20-Something woman #1: Wow, classical music makes me think the world’s all happy and shit.
20-Something woman #2: Yeah.
20-Something woman #1: I need a nice, trashy rap song about hos and shooting to remind myself that life sucks.
20-Something woman #2: Seriously.

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: slit your wrists while you’re at it

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