Some Half‐Baked Wednesday One‐Liners

Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b‑o‐n‑g.

–19^th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyle

Man in light green suit with orange‐red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don’t smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don’t get high tonight!

–125^th & Lenox

Overheard by: Plausible

Young hipster: So I said, “Mom, did you smoke with me?”

–Central Park Reservoir

Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don’t want me smoking pot, you don’t want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don’t want me chewing gum and now you don’t like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that’s okay with you?

–L Train

Overheard by: It’s me, bitches.

Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you’re smoking is really good.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: me too

Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I’m serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don’t you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can’t see anymore and then I’ll be there. Alright? Bye.

–8^th Ave & 27^th St

Overheard by: Erica Friedman

Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn’t smell like weed?

–Washington Square Park

Posted on May 12, 2023
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Christianity, College, Family Ties, Food, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Smoking, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Time, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

The Biggest Wednesday One‐Liner

Girl to friend: Is there a way to block fat people on OkCupid?

–Bedford Ave & 8^th

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Remember the other day when you told me I had a fat ass and I didn’t curse you out? So now you gonna buy me something.

–Pizzeria, 77^th St & 1^st Ave

Overheard by: Eric

Older woman waiting for a seat: Oh good, the fat one got up. Shit, an even fatter sits down.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Henry Pena

Posh‐looking Asian chick: But he consumed over 6,000 calories a day, so he deserved whatever he had coming.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

White hip‐hopper on cell: Yeah, she’s so big I thought there was two of her. Then I realized she was a dude!

–Broome & Forsyth

Overheard by: Terry

Posted on March 5, 2023
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Ass, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Friends, Gender issues, Girlfriends, Girls, Internet, JFK Airport, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Wiggers

How About Some Frank Sinatra That Will Leave You Only Mildly Depressed?

20‐Something woman #1: Wow, classical music makes me think the world’s all happy and shit.
20‐Something woman #2: Yeah.
20‐Something woman #1: I need a nice, trashy rap song about hos and shooting to remind myself that life sucks.
20‐Something woman #2: Seriously.

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: slit your wrists while you’re at it

Posted on January 19, 2023
Girlfriends, Music, Philosophy, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

You Complete Me, Wednesday One‐Liners

Blonde coed: After he finished yelling at me for a solid ten minutes, he’s like, “So, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

–3^rd Ave & 11^th St

Overheard by: simon

Middle school girl to boy: I don’t normally get with sixth graders, but you’re different…

–10^th St & 1^st Ave

Woman on cell: You are not listening to me. (pause) When you say whatever it is you’re bitching about’, I know that you are not actually listening to me.

–Riverside Park

Guy on cell: I don’t treat you quite as bad as you say.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Flooey

Boyfriend, about girlfriend enthusiastically cheering on Colbert: Why don’t you scream like that for me?

–The Colbert Report Set

Party girl to friend: So I asked my priest, and he said “I think you should see other people.”

–Park Ave & 29^th St

Overheard by: petey

Posted on December 22, 2022
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Christianity, Compliments, Elementary & Middle School, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Relationships, School and studying, Students, Trains Not Subway, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

They’re Both Looking to Trade Up

Girlfriend: Wait, so they’re engaged?
Boyfriend: They’re engaged… in the Murray Hill sense.

–Duane Reade, 33^rd & 3^rd

Overheard by: mb

Posted on November 16, 2022
Boyfriends, Couples, Duane Reade, Girlfriends, Marriage, Murray Hill and Gramercy

If He Gives a Shit about Cards, He Is

Girl trying to find a card for her boyfriend: See, this one is too girly. And this one is more boyish and really nice… but it’s so sparkly!
Dude: Well, there are many sparkleful guys out there. Maybe your boyfriend is one.

–Hallmark Store, Staten Island Mall

Posted on November 9, 2022
Gifts, Girlfriends, Staten Island

Let’s Try Feeding Her and See What Happens

Girlfriend: So, do you think Fiona is really crazy?
Boyfriend: No, I just think she is hungry.

–Fiona Apple concert, Central Park

Overheard by: Nicole B.

Posted on February 19, 2022
About Celebrities, Boyfriends, Central Park, Couples, Crazy, Default, Diet/Weight, Food, Girlfriends, Music, Questions

The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One‐Liners

Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.

–LIRR

Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.

–LIRR, Drunk Train

Overheard by: Jason

Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)

–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)

–MacDougal St, The Village

Overheard by: Reid Rogers

Posted on February 14, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, NYC Geography, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Psychology, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Use a Wednesday, So You Don’t Get One‐Linered Up

Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

–Broadway‐Lafayette B/D/F/V Station

Overheard by: Jon A.

Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?

–Times Square

Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: “If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant.”? Seriously!

–Broadway & 103^rd St

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.

–Outside Trader Joe’s, 14^th St

Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy – the baby snow monkey – came along. So be careful with your birth control.

–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys

Girl to another: I just don’t see why we can’t make our own condoms.

–14^th St & 4^th Ave

Posted on January 10, 2022
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Babies, Central Park, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Hook Ups, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Sex, Should've Used a Condom, Store, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

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