Chick #1: You know I wanna lose some weight, especially in my hips.
Chick #2: I felt like that a while ago. I was dating this guy and when him and I broke up I wanted to be slimmer when I saw him again. Girl, I took some weight loss pills and lost about 20 pounds. When I saw him again he said I looked sick. I had fucked around and lost my ass. I still haven’t gotten it back yet.
–80th & 3rd
Overheard by: Divine Essence
Girl #1: I have a question.
Girl #2: What is it?
Girl #1: Skipping makes you lose weight right?
Girl #2: Yeah….
Girl #1: Does that mean skipping backward makes you gain weight?
Girl #2: God, you’re a dumbass.
–Flushing
Fat woman #1: Why do people keep asking me [about the long line]? Do I have one of those approachable faces?
Fat woman #1: The guy thing is, she has no problem attracting. And anyone willing to put out will never get love. Doesn’t matter if you’re a size 2 or a size 20.
Fat woman #1: I am a soup lover!
Fat woman #1: Look at the makeup on this lady with the green hat coming up! She takes the crosstown bus sometimes. Spectacular. Spectacular. Can you imagine if Joe saw that? He’d come over and ask her out.
Fat woman #2: That’s everyday?
Fat woman #1: That’s not special, not Halloween. I love it when she wears her army fatigues. She wears the jacket, the pants…
Fat woman #2: What are you in the mood for? Something chicken noodley or something exotic?
Fat woman #1: I might get two!
Fat woman #1: So Yen Ling. I asked her, “What do you want to be called? Yen or Yen Ling?” She says, “Yen Ling”, I say, “Fine.” So I’m going around introducing her and she’s saying “Yen”, “Yen”, “Yen.” It’s just like, if you want to be called Yen Ling, why are you saying “Yen”?
Fat woman #2: What’s her last name?
Fat woman #1: Yu.
Fat woman #2: Yu?
Fat woman #1: It’s one of those.
Fat woman #2: Sounds like a comedy routine. “Who?” “Yu!”
Fat woman #1: “Who, you?”
Note: The Nazi was sold out of crab bisque, and all of the meaty soups except for mulligatawny.
–42nd & 5th
Black woman: I’ll mess you up! I’ll be waiting for you downstairs, you man-on-man faggot! White trash!
White queer: You don’t scare me! I’ve dealt with the feds, I can
deal with you!
–Welfare office, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Sheep Overhearder
Black woman: Take that bag off your back.
White man: All it takes are two words: “excuse” and “me”.
Black woman: I’m not saying nothing to you.
White man: Sorry, I see that you only use your mouth for one thing, and that’s sucking dick.
Black woman: You are so rude. Take that back.
White man: Okay, I am sorry. I take it back. You also use your mouth for eating, as seen by the size of your enormous ass.
–4/5 train
Girl #1: Coke. Has to be. You don’t lose weight that fast any other way.
Girl #2: I do that sometimes. You know, just to jump start the weight loss.
–Crunch, Lafayette Street
Girl on cell: Holy shit Daddy, I need to get some coke again, I can’t fit into a size 2 anymore!
–Gap dressing room, 34th & 6th
Overheard by: divaliscious
Queer #1: Her tattoo is, like, a mushroom. Like a magic mushroom. On her lower back, like on her ass. But she is thick, man, she has like, spare tires. I mean, I have love handles, but she has spare tires!
Queer #2: Yeah…
Queer #1: It’s like, when she and her friend say they are having a fat day, I just wanna be like, “Girl! You are having a fat week! Or a fat year!” I mean, she is thick!
Queer #2: Yeah…
Queer #1: But really, sometimes I just wanna be like, “Jenna, you do so much coke, how are you still so fat?”
–N train
Overheard by: queenie
Girl #1: Oh, I never want to have sex when I feel fat.
Girl #2: But I feel fat and want to have sex tonight. I’m so conflicted!
Girl #1: Well, go home and take a laxative, it will make you feel better.
–Amsterdam & 68th
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
–Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
–C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I’m gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
–68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
–Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that’s the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
–52 & Lexington
Girl #1: We should go to a karaoke bar, get a whole bunch of people and get a room.
Girl #2: A room?
Girl #1: Yeah, they have private rooms.
Girl #2: Oh! So you don’t have to do it in front of fat people!
–11th Street between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cait O’Connor
Receptionist: You’re looking good lately. Healthy.
UPS guy: Thanks, I’ve been trying to only drink liquids. You know, water, a salad once in a while.
–Borough Park
Overheard by: Vicki
Chick: We think you should sleep with David.
Queer: We think he’s the kind of guy who’s really scrawny but has a real big cock.
–Lillie’s, Red Hook
