Diet/Weight

Man: Should we get something special to drink with this?
Woman: No, I think I’m just going to have water. I need to detoxify myself from all the coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, Red Bull and marijuana I’m constantly ingesting.

–Astoria

Pizza guy: No pizza for you?
FIT chick #1: No, I don’t eat. I’m anorexic.
FIT chick #2: Yeah, look what she’s wearing. That’s what happens when you don’t eat. You go fucking crazy.

–27th & 7th pizzeria

Daughter: What’s on your leg?
Mother: It’s cellulite, all women have it. And if you think the women you see in magazines don’t, they do. They just get it covered up in their pictures by a special pen called an airbrush.
Daughter: Will I get cellulite?
Mother: Yes, soon.

–Century 21, Cortlandt Street

Jersey girl: There is no way Anna Nicole lost that weight on TrimSpa. She’s obviously smoking crack.

–4 train

Chick: Yeah, she’s trying to put back on the 10 pounds she lost during her little crack experimentation.

–Rivington & Allen

Overheard by: Josh Mueller

Crackhead: I had never seen anybody smoking crack. I had no idea what it looked like, somebody smoking crack. Until my uncle. And you know, he changed my Pampers.

–Fourth Ave & Dean Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sparkle shortz

Long-hair: Yeah, so for my birthday I just got myself a shitload of mescalin. And all I did was sit in my apartment all day, tripping my ass off.

–14th & 8th

Overheard by: debo

Guy: I could have been an astronaut if i didn’t do so many drugs. Why
didn’t anyone tell me?

–Pratt Institute

Teenage boy: I really need a girlfriend.
Teenage girl: Why?
Teenage boy: ‘Cause they’re all sweet and soft and crap.
Teenage girl: Go out with Marla. She’s soft.
Teenage boy: No, that’s not soft; that’s obesity.

–N train

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.

–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing

Overheard by: Stephan

Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Djuna

Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?

–Washington Square Park

Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat…Every single time!

–South Cove, Battery Park City

Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Overheard by: alison

Chick on cell: …so I said, “Stop calling me. It was a one night stand.”

–F train

Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you’re dating? Or is he like that “Bob” guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane?

–Times Square

Guy: She has…two one-eyed cats. She’s never getting engaged.

–Madison Square Park

Girl: What are those, prune juice bottles?
Boi: Yeah, what kind of weird homage to regularity is that?
Girl: I think it’s an homage to diarrhea.

–Park Slope

Teen girl: Yo, I heard he fucked a fat girl in Remi and she was so big he couldn’t get his arms around her!

–Astoria Dunkin’ Donuts

Overheard by: Jack

UES chick on cell: …so then he takes me to this party, where there’s all these topless chicks and crap, and I’m like, “Come on! Haven’t I stroked your ego enough?”.

–88th and Park

Overheard by: ikanread

Girl: No, I will not have anal sex with your boyfriend!

–Union Square station

Woman on cell: …hon, she had a gut!
Little boy: Mom, chubby is the new black.

–75th & Broadway