Jews

Get to Atoning, New York

Smoker guy #1: …I won’t be in on Thursday cause of Yom Kippur.
Smoker guy #2: You can’t come to work?
Smoker guy #1: Can’t work, can’t eat, can’t drink.
Smoker guy #2: Can’t eat or drink anything?
Smoker guy #1: Nothing from sundown to sundown.
Smoker guy #2: Jesus!
Smoker guy #1: Wrong.

–49th & 8th

Part of a building under construction fell off into another house, summoning 10 fire trucks.

Lady: See? Maybe this will teach those Jews from building them so high.

–Williamsburg

Boss lady: She needs to get her ass back to work and finish this shit up. I hate these 2 days Jews; tomorrow she’ll be eating a bacon cheeseburger.

–Office, Wall Street

We Like Getting on Trains That Don’t Kill Us

Tourist guy: …Huh. What religion are you, anyway?
Hasidic guy: Um…I’m Jewish.
Tourist guy: Oh. Do you like America?

–L train

It’s Not a Harem If You Just Play Scrabble

Girl #1: How bad am I? I’m going to have sex tomorrow and then pay a shiva call.
Girl #2: Who cares? You’ve got needs.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Girl #2: Remember when you had a harem?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I didn’t have sex with any of them. I just fooled around with them.

–Bleecker Street Bar

It’s Going to Be One Long Yom Kippur

Guy #1: So how was your Rosh Hashanah?
Guy #2: I got a blowjob at a movie theater. Since I was watching Flightplan does that count as mile high?

–23rd & Lexington

Overheard by: dan levin

He Does Dayenu But Not on Saturday

Yarmulke guy: You play the guitar?
Blue collar guy: Yeah, but not Havah Nagila or anything.

–3 train

By “Crises” He Must Mean “Circumcisions”

Guy: He’s 31 and already he’s going through a mid-life crisis.
Girl: You’re 30 and you’ve been going through crises after crises after crises.
Guy: But I’m a Jew.

–19th & 5th

Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?

Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.

–Music Box theatre, West 45th Street

Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.

–C train

Overheard by: nicolette

Guy: I’m gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.

–68th & Columbus

Overheard by: Andrew Zar

Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.

–Red Hook

Guy: Yeah, you know, that’s the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.

–52 & Lexington

Plus, We Consider It a Fucking Mitzvah

A family of Hasidic Jews–mother, father, 4 children–are on the boat. A young boy turns to his father and asks: Why do they have so many kids?
Father: Well, after World War II, they had to get their numbers back up.

–Statue of Liberty Ferry

Overheard by: Lux Garner

What an Explosive Question

Hasid: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
Hipster: Excuse me, are you Muslim?

–Williamsburg

He Just Wants to Find Out What Tzatziki is Called

Teen girl: Like, I thought he was Jewish but then he ate a gyro so I dumped him.
Teen boy: That’s rough. Did he have it with that white sauce?
Teen girl: What difference does that make? Shit, you’re dumb.

–F train

Overheard by: Steph Gold

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