Jews

Jew: She’s been on dates with 87 guys from JDate? Eighty-seven?!
Jewess: Yeah, her therapist told her that she can’t complain about guys from JDate again until she’s been on 100 dates with guys from JDate, and now she’s really excited for the last 13 so she can start complaining about them again.

–Stay, East Village

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

Hasidic Jew handing out flyer: You! You! Are you Jewish?
Blonde shiksa #1: Oh my god! He totally thinks you’re Jewish!
Blonde shiksa #2: Ewww! I cannot believe he thinks I look like some fucking Jew!
Blonde not-so-shiksa: Wait a minute, bitch — I’m Jewish.
Blonde shiksa #2: Oh, sorry. It’s not your fault.

–32nd & 5th

Gentile #1: I’m thinking he looks more like a rabbi. Can’t you just picture the yarmulke on his head?
Gentile #2: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of wood.
Gentile #1: Clay!
Gentile #2: Clay? Oh, it is clay… see, that’s what makes me not Jewish.
Gentile #1: Believe it or not, in Catholic school during Hanukkah they had us play dreidel games and eat latkes and stuff.
Gentile #2: That’s very weird.
Gentile #1: Hey, it was better than reading the Bible.
Gentile #2: Touché.

–New School for Social Research

Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s like, actually walking down the street!

–Magnolia Bakery

Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear

JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!

–The Prime Grill, 49th Street

Twentysomething woman on cell: I’m gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore’s dog.

–in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave

Older Jewish woman: And where are you from?
30-something woman: Arkansas.
Older Jewish woman: And are you Jewish?
30-something woman: No.
Older Jewish woman: You just confirmed my stereotype.
30-something woman: And you just confirmed mine.

–Temple Shaaray Tefila

Jewish chick #1: You know, it's kind of awkward to register for sheets for a wedding.
Jewish chick #2: Really? Why?
Jewish chick #1: Because, it's like, they know what you're doing!

–84th St & Central Park West

Woman #1: …she’s also a lesbian.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah. She’s a black Jewish lesbian mother.
Woman #2: …What do the kids look like?

–Central Park reservoir track

Guy #1: Your car is totally Jewish.
Guy #2: My car is not Jewish. My car is a Jew hater.

–10th & Hudson

Queer: You are all a bunch of crackers…What are you laughing at, Jew? We have a cracker and a Jew, it’s like a Lunchable.

–1 train