Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said “Come on, Mr California!” and I was like: “Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!”

–G Train

Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame

Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.

–Tram to Roosevelt Island

Eight‐year‐old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!

–38th & 2nd Ave

Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton‐John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.

–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.

Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.

–43rd St between Madison & 5th

Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.

–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch

Overheard by: Jason

Security lady: …Oh, I know her. I heard she don’t have no teeth no more.
Guy: Heh…nope.
Security lady: Good for suckin’ dick.
Guy: Heh, heh…yep.
Security lady: Bet that’s right up your alley, ain’t it?
Guy: I ain’t got no alleys.

–New York Public Library, West 53rd Street

Little girl: Can I have a job here?
Clerk: How old are you?
Little girl: Nine.
Clerk: Well, you have to be at least 14 to work at the library.
Little girl: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a big head!

–Queens Library

Wannabe Jew: Shprehen ze Deutche?
Religious Jew: Huh?
Wannabe Jew: Isn’t that how you say “do you speak Yiddish?” in Yiddish?
Religious Jew: No.
(wannabe Jew looks around and walks away)

–Brooklyn Public Library

Desperate law student: But I love you!
Heartless biotech: That’s your problem, not mine.
Desperate law student: I can’t live without you.
Heartless biotech: So don’t.
Desperate law student: You wouldn’t even care if I killed myself, would you?
Heartless biotech: Not unless you decided to do it in front of my house and I had to have police and the media there. Then I’d be pissed.
Desperate law student: How can you be so cruel to someone who loves you so much?
Heartless biotech: Oh, just one thing — if you do decide to kill yourself try to do it the week of August sixth, ’cause I’ll be in Martha’s Vineyard with Jason then.

–Brooklyn Law School library

Overheard by: Big Larry — cringing with empathy

Girl on computer #10: Damn, this dumb bitch wants to start her own prostituting company.
Girl on computer #9: What a dumb bitch.

–Library, Baruch College

Overheard by: jackieisawuesome

College kid #1: Ben Franklin is here today.
College kid #2: Oh, I know him.

–New York Historical Society

Overheard by: Emily B.

Girl: So are you still upset about her?
Guy: No, it’s okay, her breath smells funny…like poop.
Girl: I had a swim coach like that. So does her breath really smell like poop?
Guy: Did you have to say it that loud?

–New York Public Library, 40th & 5th

Overheard by: Andrew Marsh

Dealer to 40‐ish man with 12‐year‐old son: Hey, man, I got it all! Ups, downs, weed, coke…
40‐ish man: No, thanks.
Dealer, turning to kid: Well, how about some for the little brotha?!

–In front of NY Public Library

Overheard by: Jimi James

Boy #1: What’s up with you two, anyway?
Boy #2: I mean I should just break up with her, because at this point I’m just using her for food.

–NYU Library