Security Guards

Mortified Laughter: The Cure for Boredom

Two guys and a girl enter the hospital and ask for the restroom. A few minutes later as they’re leaving the building the security guard talks to them.

Security guard: That’ll be $20.
Guy: What?
Security guard: Ain’t nothing for free at the hospital…unless you have an insurance card. Have a good night folks!

–Mount Sinai hospital, 5th Avenue

Overheard by: Vanilla

World-famous doctor: Do you know what I love? Dyslexic Black people. For instance, the other day a Black guy stopped me in his car as I was walking and asked me, “How do I get to the FRD?”.

–Tisch hospital, 33rd Street

Readers: Answer This Antiquated Question

Guard: Safety first! That’s a Harold Lloyd film. Safety First. 1928. You ever watch any of those old Harold Lloyd films?

–51st between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Crunkyteen

Just Two Cagneys, a Lacey and Three Kates

Security lady: …Oh, I know her. I heard she don’t have no teeth no more.
Guy: Heh…nope.
Security lady: Good for suckin’ dick.
Guy: Heh, heh…yep.
Security lady: Bet that’s right up your alley, ain’t it?
Guy: I ain’t got no alleys.

–New York Public Library, West 53rd Street

What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?

Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Nora

Hot dog vendor: To go?

–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Chrissy

Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?

–Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York

Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?

–Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St

Overheard by: Dianora

20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?

–Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park

Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn't it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn't food?

–W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Conductor: Next stop is…where am I?

–Uptown 1 Train

Presenting Our New Motto

Elderly security guard #1: You got plans this weekend?
Elderly security guard #2: Nah, man.
Elderly security guard #1: Oh, I know what you got planned!
Elderly security guard #2: Nothin', man. I'm gonna be sleepin'.
Elderly security guard #1: Sleepin' like a pervert!

–7th Ave b/w 37th & 38th

Overheard by: Julia H.

Why Generic Names Are Bad: An OINY Short Story.

Female security guard: That was Jim Jones.
Male security guard: Jim Jones?
Female security guard: Jim Jones, he sings “Pop Champagne.”
Male security guard: Jim Jones? That's that cult guy, down in uh… Guyana.

–MTV Lobby

Maybe Wallpaper the Fortress Of Solitude

Security guard #1: Yes sir, yes sir, I am definitely gonna put my pimp foot forward, yes sir, and then I'm gonna go home and change into my Superman outfit…and drink some coffee. Yes sir!
Security guard #2: Mmhmm!

–116th & Amsterdam, Columbia

Overheard by: camillia*

C'mon, We Can't Learn Anything in There

Tourist: I'm sorry, this may be a dumb question, but is this the Museum of Natural History?
Guard: This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Tourist: Damn it!

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: WeeFee

Check Your Attitude While You’re At It

Bag check guy: I want your bag.
Comic book chick: Pardon?
Bag check guy: You know the rules. Give me your bag.
Comic book chick: Sorry, I didn’t know I had to check this.
Bag check guy: What did you think, that I’m just some crazy black man sitting up here harassing people?
Comic book chick: Could be.
Bag check guy: That’s true.

–Forbidden Planet, 13th Street

It Won’t Work If It’s Just a Picture of a Toad

Club dude: May I ask you why you’re licking your handstamp?
Drunk teen guy: I wasn’t. They stamped me twice, and I had something in my tongue.

–The Knitting Factory, Leonard Street

© 2025 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist