Security Guards

Museum guard #1: I need to learn more about this Lady Gaga person.
Museum guard #2: You've never heard of Lady Gaga?
Museum guard #1: All I know is that she's just… weird.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Maggie

Female security guard to sneezing kid: Cover your mouth when you sneeze. We don't need no swine flu in here.
(other library patrons laugh)
Female security guard: Yeah, I said it!

–Brooklyn Public Library

Overheard by: The City Planner

Dumb girl, slinging leg over goat statue in MoMA courtyard: Take a picture of me riding this goat!
Dumb boyfriend: Honey, you're sitting on a Picasso.
Security guard: You don't need to be smart to go the MoMA.

–Museum of Modern Art

Old man: Could you tell me where a restaurant is?
Security guard: Right there (points to men's room).
Old man: I don't want to shit. I want to eat.

–JFK Airport

Guard to elderly tourists at elevator to roof: Please swing the line around the corner.
Elderly tourist: Ve don't sving.

–Metropolitan Museum

Security guard: I hate it when there's nothing to do all day.
Cashier: Today's been good, though. Hectic. Lot of people robbing us.

–Duane Reade

Sassy black tourist girl: Excuse me, you seen an ATM?
Security guard: (silence)
Sassy black tourist girl: I said, any of y'all seen an ATM?
Woman using ATM: Um, these are ATMs.
Sassy black tourist girl: Oh shoot, you could get money outta that?

–Chase, Broadway & Spring

Older Indian guy: So how was your Christmas?
Younger security guard: Good! It was real nice.
Older Indian guy: So, did Jesus come to see you?
Younger security guard: Nah, but some of my relatives stopped by, so it was still pretty nice.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: the last boyscout

Teenager, fighting with security: Fuck you! Fuck all y'all! Obama, baby! (storms out)
Preppy guy: See, this is why I vote Republican.

–14th St & Union Square

Student to professor: Yeah, man, you know, because every time I slap you five, now I feel like I'm slapping your father's ass.

–Suffolk County Community College

Overheard by: Wish I was paying attention

Trashy sista' on cell: Did you know you've been nominated for an award? (pause) Yeah, I know! I mean, it's just nice to even be nominated, issa' honor. Yeah, you wanna know whacha been nominated for? You been nominated for the world's biggest deadbeat daddy!

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: I don't work here

Demi-bum to another, looking at postcards at a convenience store: Oh, I want to send a postcard to my father: Doing shitty, wish you cared!

–Fulton & Water

Teen girl to friend: Of course I got him tested!…but he wasn't the father either.

–145th & Broadway

Guard: Did you hear about that 9-year-old girl who gave birth to her own twin? I'm serious! It was inside her stomach and then she gave birth to it. And the craziest part is that the twin was from another father!

–74th & Madison

Latina girl to friend: You know, I don't even know what I saw in that loser. I should've dumped his ass the first time he tried hitting on my dad!

–58th & 6th

Overheard by: Tim J.