Security Guards

Scrooge McDuck’s Wednesday One-Liners

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge

A Rock in Afghanistan… Why?

Security agent holding bottle of Axe body spray: You can’t take this in your carry-on bag.
Guy: Why not?
Agent: Because of new Homeland Security regulations.
Guy: When did this happen?
Agent: Have you been living under a rock?

–JFK

Overheard by: Jason

Do You Charge Extra for the History Lesson?

Male African-American bicycle-taxi driver: You see all these white people here? All these white people is from Europe! You know that story?
Female African-American park guard: No…
Male African-American bicycle-taxi driver: Yeah!

–Central Park

Overheard by: white New Yorker

I’m Also Terrified of Clowns

Bag Check Guy: I’m so scared of mice here now that I’m thinking of tucking my pants into my socks.

–The Strand

Why Does This License Say “I.C. Weiner”?

TSA employee at a security checkpoint: Do you have another photo ID? Expired driver licenses are invalid.
Girl carrying tabloid: But what if you, like, don't drive?
TSA employee: You can't use an expired license as identification.
Girl carrying tabloid: Yeah, but what if you didn't drive?

–Kennedy Airport

Just Don't Be Slutting It Up in the Museum

Girl to security guard going through her purse: You can open that if you want, it's just my make up.
Security guard: Girl, I don't need to see all your warpaint!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Amanda

Malice Goes to Style Court

Walkie Talkie: Style for Lori. You’ve got a guest freaking out upstairs. Get up here.

—Style Court Plaintiff Room

The Church Has Always Been Ambivalent About the Natural World

Foreign tourist to security guard: Excuse me, where is Central Park?
St. Patrick's security guard: Central Park? Ooooh, that's like up at 110th Street. You're real far…

–St. Patrick's Cathedral

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Just Stand Around

Security guard: Oh, man, thank god for anti-depressants and alcohol! Nothing like Jack Daniels to get you through the day.

–The Met

Building security guard to mailman: Don't you think tv saved the world? Say you've got 10, 12, 14, 16 kids . . .

–William & Beekman

NYU security guard to long line of kids: A'ight kids, e-z passes out. Put your IDs in the air and wave them like you just don't care!

–College of Arts and Science, Washington Square Park

Security man: No photos in Tim Burton! No pictures, no photos! Tell a friend, tell a neighbor, tell someone you don't like!

–Tim Burton Exhibit, MoMA

Security guard: Have a nice day… Now get the hell out of here.

–JFK Airport

…But Know That the Whole City Of New York Is Looking Down on You.

Tourists: How do we get to the tour of ground zero?
Security guard: See that window across the street? Go up those stairs and over, and you can look down at it if you want.

–Ground Zero

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