Security Guards

Indian snack counter vendor: What’s that on your head, man?
Security guard with ash cross on head, in thick New York accent: It’s ash Wednesday.
Indian snack counter vendor, snickering: Okay.
Security guard: Hey, I don’t laugh at you guys when you put dots on your heads. You gotta respect other people’s beliefs.

–9th St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Chocolate Muffin Sucked

Security Guard: …and so now I have her DNA and I can, like, reproduce her any time I want.

–57th & West End

Overheard by: Kaitlyn 

Drunk: Are you going to San Francisco?…Hey, I’ve been there! Why won’t you believe me? Look at this tattoo I got there!…Shut up, bitch! 


Overheard by: marissa 

Woman: So did you know that cheese has the same chemicals as heroin in it? That’s why people who eat cheese get so addicted to it.

–1st Avenue & 4th Street

Overheard by: alison 

Security guard: Ma’am, you can’t use your cell phone in here.
Frumpy mom: What? I can’t? In the whole library? Why can’t you use your cell phone in the library?

–Library, 23rd St

Overheard by: Liberry Lady

Guard dude #1: There’s a guy over there touching himself again.
Guard dude #2: What, the same one as before?
Guard dude #1: Yeah.

–New York Public Library Main Branch, 42th & 5th

Overheard by: Rob

HS girl: Man, this school is a ho!
Security guard: Yeah, and you gotta learn how to trick it right to get what you want out of it. 

–Bread & Roses High, Harlem

Asian man: What seems to be the problem?
Security official: Other than the fact that your passport and your ticket have two completely different names on them, nothing.

–JFK Security

Security guard #1: Yo, I be the first nigga to have a PS3 up in the projects, yo.
Security guard #2: Last night my girl was blowing me while I was playing PSP. She be like, “slurp, slurp.” I was like, “yeah, get that. Get that.”

–E 34th St

Overheard by: Chris the engineer

Girl: I haven’t seen you in a while.
NYU security guard: Witness protection program. It’s like a Bar Mitzvah for Italians.


Security guard to group of teenagers: Where are you from? Are you from the West Coast? I want to know what’s going on over there.
Teenager: We’re from Washington, DC.
Security guard: Oh, that’s on the West Coast.
Teenager: No, Washington, DC is on the East Coast.
Security guard: Ohhh. You’ve got all those politicians, huh? That sucks.

–Bowrey Ballroom

Overheard by: Fifi

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge