Fast Times at New York High

SAT prepping kid #1: What’s hydrolysis?
SAT prepping kid #2: Dude, don’t you play Grand Theft Auto? Hydrolysis is what makes the cars bump up and down.
SAT prepping kid #3: Um…Hydrolysis is the splitting of things in water.
SAT prepping kid #2: Whatever. Same thing.

–2 train near Borough Hall

Overheard by: Everclear
Headline by: Dave Schavone

· “Rollin’ in His H20” — JP
· “Another Roads Scholar” — Emily
· “It’s San Andreas’s Fault”  — boods

Honorable mentions:
· “Only Aquaman Knows For Sure”  — Sara Swank
· “Putting the “Dense” in Reverse Condensation”  — Elan
· “The Sad Part Is, They All Got Into Brown” — Betsy
· “They Had Their Ups and Downs, then Splitsville”  — Steven Foster
· “He Learns By Osmosis” — melissa coubrough

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Girl: …but it’s not like you have to be really religious to be a nun anyway, right?

–Clara Barton High, Crown Heights

Girl #1: You gotta figure out what you’re gonna study in college. you oughta check out this holistic college, ya know, for holistic medicine?
Girl #2: Yeah, like holistic medicine?
Girl #1: It’s a two‐year program to get certified and it’s all hippies who are all potted up so you don’t have to do anything.
Girl #2: You mean, like “sit on this crystal and write a paper about it.”
Girl #1: Ha ha! Yeah, so then you’re certified. You oughta do that.
Girl #2: Maybe I’ll be a pilot. 

–N train

Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.

–Midwood High School

Overheard by: the half jewish kid in the corner

Straight boy to group of girls: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Girl #1: Are you sure you want to know?
Boy: Yes.
Girl #2: We’re talking about hot gay guys.
(other girls laugh)
Girl #3: Do you think Jonathan Groff is hot?
(straight boy leaves)

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Girl: Did you know half the length of a guy’s foot is the length of his penis?
Boy, observing inhumanly large feet: In that case, I think you won the lottery.

–Bard High School, Queens

High school girl #1: I think they give them a class on it.
High school girl #2: Called what? How to be a complete asshole and sleep with all of your girlfriend’s friends?

–Dalton School, Upper East Side

PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18th & 6th

Overheard by: Rebecca

Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o’clock!

–Baggage Claim, JFK

Overheard by: Kimmie

Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully‐cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morning!

–Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Stacy

Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I’m sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag football” will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.

–East Side Community High School

Schoolgirl #1: You know that girl in our global class?
Schoolgirl #2: The one with the face.
Schoolgirl #1: Yeah!

–Outside of Murry Bergatrum High School

Boy: Is that a hat?
Girl: No, it’s my dick. (pause) Wait, what? Is what a hat?
Boy: I thought that thing by the door was a hat.
Girl: A cat?

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny