God Bless the LIRR

30‐something guy: Have you ever shot an AK‐47?
40‐something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30‐something guy: How did it feel?
40‐something girl: Pulling that trigger… It’s amazing.
30‐something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40‐something girl: Yes! When did you?
30‐something guy: It was one of those “wrong place at the wrong time” situations… I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Francesca

Posted on October 10, 2022
Birds, Girls, Guys, Punch, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Shoot, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Weirdness

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One‐Liners — Oh My!

20‐something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I’m unstoppable! I’m like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, “what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?” and I was like, “what wouldn’t you do with a giant inflatable turkey?”

–3^rd Ave & 14^th St

Overheard by: Mickey

Posted on December 20, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Compare/Contrast, Death, Girls, Guys, Illness, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Wednesday One‐Liners: “Is This Thing On?”

PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18^th & 6^th

Overheard by: Rebecca

Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o’clock!

–Baggage Claim, JFK

Overheard by: Kimmie

Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully‐cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morning!

–Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Stacy

Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I’m sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag football” will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.

–East Side Community High School

Posted on October 6, 2020
9 to 5-ers, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Classroom, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Football, Gays and Lesbians, JFK Airport, Movies, Names, One-liners, Shopping, Store, Stuyvesant, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

For Missing All the Free Games

Drunk Jets fan #1: If I was a bird or a bat, I’d live in a stadium.
Drunk Jets fan #2: Well, yeah, otherwise you’re just stupid.

–PATH

Posted on July 9, 2020
Animals & Nature, Birds, Drunks, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway

NewsFlash: Hipster Is Copycat. Film at 11

Artsy girl: I cant believe you took my idea!
Bearded hipster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Artsy girl: But now everyone thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you’ll be plucking the feathers out of birds and dipping them in blood!
Bearded hipster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Artsy girl: Cunt!

–Outside Cooper Union School

Overheard by: jemma lower

Posted on April 23, 2020
Birds, Blood & bleeding, Death, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, School, Weirdness

I Speak Mostly in Clichés and Advertising Slogans

Tattoo guy on platform: Where are all the f trains?
Conductor: The early bird catches the worm…
Tattoo guy: What?
Conductor: The early bird catches the worm…
Tattoo guy: You better start fuckin making sense, asshole.
Conductor: Sorry, I don’t come from that way.

–E Train

Posted on November 8, 2019
Birds, Conductors, Directions, Guys, Insects, Insults, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions

You’re Going to Have to Be More Specific

Girl #1: Fergus’s apartment is down there. Have you ever seen it?
Girl #2: I have. Actually, I did ecstasy in that apartment once. Wait, you were there! We ate ostrich. You rolled around on the carpet.

–Lexington & 51^st St

Posted on June 17, 2019
Birds, Drugs, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Weirdness

Wednesday One‐Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20‐something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy’s: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain’t gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That’s why you ain’t get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It’s been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four‐year‐old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you’re stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

Posted on June 12, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Brooklyn, Central Park, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Facebook, Fears, Food, Friends, Hipsters, Kids, Men, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Thievery, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Now They Grow Up to Be Flying Rats

Older woman: Mice grow up to be rats. I have mice.
Older guy: No, they don’t!
Older woman: Yes they do, mice grow up to be rats.
Older guy: No, they don’t! They’re different species. They’re cousins.
Older woman: No, they aren’t!
Older guy: Yes, they are – they’re cousins, like rabbits and squirrels.
Older woman: No – mice grow up to be rats!
Older guy: No, they don’t! There are even different species of rats. German rats,
Norwegian rats…
Older woman: Okay, let’s change the subject – I hate rats.
Older guy: Do you know pigeons have strokes?
Older woman: What?
Older guy: Pigeons have strokes. They don’t last long, but they do.
Older woman: Uh…okay.
Older guy: Pigeons learn to fly when they’re five weeks old.

–A Train

Posted on January 9, 2019
Age/Aging, Animals & Nature, Birds, Erections, Family Ties, Gripes, Guys, Old People, On the Subway, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One‐Liners Strut, Preen and Peck

Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what’s going on.

Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed — maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka‐kawww, ka‐kawww!

–B train

Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!

–Union Square

Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can’t help it that I’m a chicken!

–90^th & Lex

Overheard by: Zach

Hospital employee to another: You see, I don’t call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.

–Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side

Overheard by:

Guy to girl: So you’d rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you’re telling me?

–Columbia University