And on Your Left— Wednesday One-Liners!

Kid to another: And then, when you're 45, we can be tour guides.

–West Village

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

Tour guide: This tour will be in English, we have tour pamphlets in several other languages. If you are a non English speaking passenger, this announcement is of no use to you.

–Circle Line Harbor Lights Cruise

Overheard by: Trixie

Overexcited bespectacled tour guide leader to group of uninterested parents: So! That's the great thing, you know, about this school, is that it's not just you. It's the city, and the students, and the people, and the tourists, and… (starts to run out of things to say) the homeless people, and the squirrels… and pigeons! So, you see, it's not ever just you!

–Bobst Library, NYU

Tour guide on bus: Now over here we have Trump Towers. Donald is not in the building today, as he is out of country awaiting the birth of his next wife.

–Trump Towers

Posted on August 20, 2014
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Bus, Clerks, Cruise Ship, Directions, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Language Barrier, Library, Marriage, NYU, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, School and studying, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Your Editors Just Attained Enlightenment Over Here

Girl: You're running around like a chicken with its legs cut off.
Guy: Wait, how can a chicken run without legs?
Girl: I don't know! It's an expression!

–AMC Loews Cinemas

Overheard by: Michael Brawley

Posted on October 29, 2010
Birds, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Movie Theaters, Questions, Words

The Teachings Of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: I have nothing against horse rapists, generally speaking.

–New School University

Overheard by: Evan Gilmer

Psychology professor: Chocolate may make you feel good, but cocaine will make you feel a lot better!

–Barnard College

Elderly history professor: I'm not sure of the consequences of what I'm saying, but I'm sure it's terribly important.

–Pratt Institute

Serious professor, on Freud: What's the matter, Anne, are you thinking about penis envy?

–Classroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: Rara

Bearded professor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me "do you know what this means?" (short pause) "I swallow." What do you say to that?

–94th St & Broadway

Overheard by: DI

Elderly professor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bullshit and listen to my brilliance?

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Classroom, Cocaine, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Education, Food, Hunter, New School, Offers and requests, One-liners, Penis, Psychology, Questions, Rape, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Black Guys Running the Bases in a Suspicious Manner?

Little boy, pointing at NYPD helicopter: Daddy ! What's that?
Dad: That's a ghetto bird. (then to friends) Normally it's native to neighborhoods with a lot of black people… Wonder what it's doing here?

–Citifield Stadium

Overheard by: Matt F.

Posted on July 19, 2010
Birds, Cops, Dads, Friends, Kids, Queens, Questions, Race

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Give a Cluck

Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.

–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave

Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!

–N Train

Overheard by: I want some ribs too

Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!

–Baxter St & Walker St

Overheard by: Kristin

High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.

–86 St

Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!

–Downtown F Train

Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!

–11st St & 3rd Ave

Posted on April 21, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Birds, Black People, Body Parts, Cleanliness, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Masturbation, Murder, Museums, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Porn, Queer guys, Street, Students, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Duck: Just Fertilize Her Eggs, Already!

Man: You're gonna have to accept that if, say, we're having a romantic afternoon and we pass a hottie on the street, I will check her out, then have to run over, tackle her, dry hump her, and then run away from her, yelling, “I'm sor-ry!” I can't be held accountable for my behavior.
Woman: Yes, you can.
Man: It must be great to be a duck. No relationships. Just eating and living.
Woman: Ducks have relationships.
Man: No, they don't.
Woman: They're like one of the only mammals that have relationships.
Man: No.
Woman: I mean, at least they are couples, like they pair up.
Man: Yeah, but that's like just for the day.

–Central Park Pond

Overheard by: Jalmasy

Posted on April 19, 2010
Animals & Nature, Apologies, Birds, Central Park, Men, Psychology, Relationships, Stupidity, Time, Women

Danny DeVito Is Awesome

Girl #1: My friend looks like a penguin.
Girl #2: Like seriously, black and white?
Girl #1: He even owns a full body penguin costume.

–Washington Square

Posted on April 10, 2010
Birds, Clothing, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Physical appearance, Washington Square Park

Your Editors Are Afraid to Google It…

Chick, feeding the birds: Look at how fast they're eating!
Slender guy: Uh-huh, those birds have a great gag reflex.
Chick: Eww!
Slender guy: Yeah… That one would make a good candidate for pigeon porn.

–Queens

Posted on March 23, 2010
Birds, Food, Girls, Guys, Porn, Queens

Ahem, It's “Chicken Lady“

Girl #1: I hate people who keep talking because they love the sound of their own voice! Like, unless you're gonna tell me about shoving a chicken up your vagina, I don't wanna hear it!
Girl #2: That's the second time we've talked about chicken girl and I still don't know her name.

–Crown Heights

Overheard by: chris k.