Violence

My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!”

–E train

Overheard by: Kid W

Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.

–Hudson Street elevator

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome?

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: toon

I Think She Was Hitting on Him

Bag lady: Lay down again so I can run over you.
White guy: Yeah…sure.
Bag lady: I said lay down again so I can hit you with this cart, you spic.
White guy: Have a nice day.
Bag lady: Nice day? I don’t want to have a nice day.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: Chris

They Had the Strength of an Ape, and No Remorse

Construction guy #1: I had to hire dis retarded kid, and ya know, I don’t know how it’s gonna be.
Construction guy #2: Yeah…but hey doh, didn’t you ever beat up a retarded kid in school? ‘Member how strong dey wuh?

–6 train

Overheard by: Anonymous and Ethan Aronoff

Take That, Ernst Rohm!

Chick #1: She’s also doing her research project on fag thugs.
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: Like, gay people who are thugs.
Chick #2: They have those?
Chick #1: Apparently.

–Pratt

Even a Penny Helps, Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: She’s fine, I’d fuck her…her too. And that one. And….ooh, not her, you can have that one.

–Madison Square Park

Old hobo: Who the fuck said black people are dangerous? The next person I hear say that I am throwing in the next dumpster!

–40th & 8th

Hobo: People, if you do not have a useable skill and/or a good pussy, you do not get that train ticket home!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-liners

Lady: Girl, or all the hairs growin’ out of my face, I’d take your wart in a second.

–Bally Sports Club, Madison & 43rd

Overheard by: Heather Hunter

Trendy boy: God, I feel so bad farting next to all these really expensive cars.

–Jacob Javits Center

Overheard by: Lindsay

Dude on cell: …so I got into this fight last night and totally whaled on the dude…totally kicked his ass! His nose was bleeding and everything!….OK, I’ll see ya later. Peace.

–Coffee Shop, Union Square West

NYers: What Do You Think of Sin City?

Guy #1: It was artsy, girls don’t like that.
Guy #2: How is it artsy? He ripped off a guy’s nuts!

–Loews 34th St. men’s room

Overheard by: Dan Dickinson

Dude: I thought it was great. Very visually arresting. I liked how they stayed true to the visual style of the comic book. Of course I say that having never read the comic book.

–Regal Cinemas Union Square

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

New Yorkers: As Seen on TV

Woman #1: Excuse me, does the N train stop at Central Park?
Woman #2: Lady, go ask a fucking crystal ball, or learn how to read a damn subway map.

–Union Square station

Overheard by: Craig D

A truck driver is parked on the side of the road, honking at what appears to be nothing at all. A female pedestrian shoots him a dirty look.

Truck driver: Nobody’s honking at you, you dumb bitch!

–Bay Ridge

Tourist: Which way is the Empire State Building?
Newspaper vendor: What do I look like, a fuckin’ road map?

–outside Grand Central

Overheard by: Dork

A trendy guy walked out into oncoming traffic, forcing an SUV to slam on the brakes. The driver screamed out of his open window: The hell you think you are, my hood ornament?

–40th & 7th

“Why Not the Jews? No One’s Ever Thought of Killing Them!”

Intellectual: Dude, after September 11th, we had to go kill somebody. Someone had to die.

–Midtown office

Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper

“…yeah, so I slapped his wife for good luck.”

Guy on cell: …so then he just punched me, yeah! Just punched me right in the face. Well I figured I oughta get dressed and leave her room, yeah, he was pissed…No, she’s his only kid.

–Empire State Building

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