Person #1: Sorry I farted.
Person #2: Oh, I love your farts.
–9th St & 2nd Ave
Person #1: Sorry I farted.
Person #2: Oh, I love your farts.
–9th St & 2nd Ave
Suit: I pay my money, I cross my legs, and I say, ‘Entertain me.’
–52nd St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Woman on cell: Money is kind of like a metaphor for life.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
Street performer: Hey, little children, if your parents don’t give you money to give us, it means they don’t love you!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Allison
Guy on bench: Let Jesus out of your wallet! All you good Christians, I need some of your Jesus money!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Laura
Loud guy: For that kind of money I should stand on my hands and juggle bowling balls out my anus!
–Subway station at 72nd & Broadway
Creepy dude, walking up to two college kids: Hey, you guys look pretty smart, can I ask you a question?
College guy: Uh, we can’t um… help you.
Creepy dude: I’m not asking for money, I just have a question. So if someone like, is an accomplice in a kidnapping, are they just as liable as the person who did the actual kidnapping?
College guy: I think it depends.
Creepy dude: Great! Thanks. (creepy dude walks away)
College chick: Is this one of those, “if you see something, say something” moments? Maybe we should call a popo.
–Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Woman on phone: So, should I continue not being a whore or should I go get an emergency Brazilian?
–Lexington Ave & 58th
Girl to friend: No, I can’t do tomorrow afternoon. I am getting waxed for the weekend. Just in case.
–3rd Ave & 80th St
Salesgirl to customer: You so have an exfoliating face!
–Sephora, 57th & Lexington
Overheard by: Amanda
Creepy hobo on payphone: So, you’re doing your nails? Mmmmmm…
–Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: Thompson
Girl with pounds of makeup on: Yeah, I’m going on lunch right now. I am so exhausted, I did five makeovers today. Yeah, I am so tired…I had a butch.
–Elevator, Macy’s
Overheard by: K Melv
Thug: All I want is a mani‐pedi.
–72nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: wb
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for “brighten up your day” train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in “money,” the N as in “Nick,” and the R as in “Romeoooooo!”
–D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in “David.” D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in “Dustin Hoffman.” He’s that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that’s in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He’s a cross‐dresser! Tootsie! That’s you, bro!
–Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for “vagina”. We’re on the F. F for “fuck.”
–Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like “Charlie” all weekend. The D train like “Dick” is helping us out. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It’s okay, you’ll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
–A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There’s no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Creeped out.
Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Katie
Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagina Whisperer.”
–Moe’s Bar. Brooklyn
Guy hitting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do something weird… I’ll pour honey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy‐weird! I’ll pour butter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the butter off your back with it!
–1 Train
Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beautiful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.
–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn
Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.
–Park Slope
Guy: I really wanna kiss you right now.
Girl: So who does that make you: my uncle or my dad?
–Bar, Carroll Gardens
Suit: And then guess what I told her?
Creep: Plastic poison!
Suit: Exactly!
Creep: He‐he‐he.
–Starbucks
Man #1: So was that her?
Man #2, returning from following Tara Reid: That was definitely her.
Man #1: She wasn’t as slutty as I’d hoped.
Man #2: I know. She’s starting to look more and more like Will Ferrell.
–53rd & 5th
