One Night Stand

It’s Not You, It’s Me (& Wednesday One-liners)

Woman: …and he wanted to break up with me so badly, he was like,
“Here, I’ll buy you an apartment!”

–Central Park sailboat pond

Overheard by: Sarahvb

Teen chick: I wouldn’t want to get married because it takes so long to get a divorce!

–Rockefeller Park

Russian lady: Ya…my mother was lucky. Not many women divorce lawyers.

–6 train

Lady: Come on, since my fucking boyfriend is a fucking crack head, we are fucking gonna pick up some guys tonight.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Julia Wright

Girl: I’m getting kind of tired of him. He used to be the kind of guy you could go out with and never have to talk.

–6 train

Guy on cell: …so I can fuck her, but I can’t marry her. See she’s Orthodox, but not Orthodox enough.

–Duane Reade, 51st & 3rd

Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper

Chick on cell: Honey, your boyfriend isn’t a boyfriend. He’s, like, a boyfriend-substitute…He’s, like, the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter of boyfriends.

–Times Square

Overheard by: djlindee

Build a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat…Every single time!

–South Cove, Battery Park City

Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Overheard by: alison

Chick on cell: …so I said, “Stop calling me. It was a one night stand.”

–F train

Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you’re dating? Or is he like that “Bob” guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane?

–Times Square

Guy: She has…two one-eyed cats. She’s never getting engaged.

–Madison Square Park

Parenthood: The Domain of the Privileged Few

Gen X Girl on cell: …yeah, totally. It’s like, last night, I had sex with this guy and the condom broke. And like I’m ovulating. And I like totally can’t remember this guy’s name. Whatever.

–M31 bus

Son: I’m really glad you’re drinking again, you know…just not so much.

–Mon Petit Cafe, UES

Wednesday One-Liners Follow Their Bliss

Drunk girl: I remember the bouncing, I remember the moaning, I just can’t remember the name.

–Cooper 35, Astor Place

Overheard by: dan

Gay man: I went there to get spiritual, and I came back all ‘Boys, boys, boys.’

–5th Ave & 11th St

Chick on cell: This is one of those moments when polyamory would really come in handy, huh?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl talking to herself: I am not a ho — I took the lie detector test, and it told you I was not a ho so stop calling me that.

–1 train

Overheard by: will

Chick: She had, like, 20 brothers and sisters because her dad was Haitian and he just kept sleeping with people…

–Subway bar, 60th & Lex

Chick: This year I am going to try and not make out with both Samatha and her boyfriend.

–W 53rd between 9th and 10th Ave

Overheard by: Still Laughing

And You Already Get Mocked by Saleswomen When You Try to Shop

Girl: So I decided that from now on, I'm not kissing anyone on one night stands.
Queer (gasping): That's so Pretty Woman!

–A Train

Spring is in the Air (Alongside TB)

Hobo #1: I love you.
Hobo #2: Get the fuck out of here.
Hobo #1: What?
Hobo #2: You are going to fuck with me and you are going to get yourself hurt. I mean it!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: bebe

A Really Horrible Person Wouldn’t Have Used the Condoms

Hipster #1: I can’t believe you went home with that fat NYU chick last night.
Hipster #2: Yeah, I was out-of-my-mind drunk. But I totally vindicated myself immediately after.
Hipster #1: Yeah?
Hipster #2: We must have woken up her hot blond suitemate when she screamed out “Oh my God, fuck me with your giant cock!”
Hipster #1: And how do you know?
Hipster #2: Because afterward, she passed out, and I went out to her living room to have a smoke, and her roommate came out in her PJs to join me for a smoke. Then I banged her on the couch.
Hipster #1: That’s awesome.
Hipster #2: Yeah. The funniest part was, I snuck back into her room when she was passed out and stole some condoms from her drawer.
Hipster #1: You’re a horrible person.
Hipster #2: I know.

–L train

Overheard by: Slappy McGee

And Now He’s Got My Vote

Girl #1: So how did you meet him?
Girl #2: He just came up to me on the street and asked me my name… Then he asked me if I wanted to get a drink, so I took him to the bar everyone was at.
Girl #1: Then what happened?
Girl #2: Then we fucked.
Girl #1: What? Just like that?
Girl #2: Yeah, I can hardly remember, but we left the bar, grabbed a cab, went to my dorm and then we fucked.

–CVS, 9th & 58th

“And When You Give Them Your Car Keys, And Your ATM Card”

Buxom Blonde: One night stands can be really hot, it's great for a night of fun.
Male Date: You know what's even hotter? When you don't know their name and you never talk to them again.
Blonde: Yeah, and when you give them $200 at the end of the night.
Male: Yeah, that's really hot.

–Decibel Sake Bar

Overheard by: cara

She Should Give Her Mouth a Rest…or Use It More

Chick #1: …so we fucked and then he didn’t call.
Chick #2: And you’re surprised? This is the third guy in 2 weeks who hasn’t called.
Chick #1: I know, but why don’t they ever call?
Chick #2: Probably because–don’t hate me for this, k?–but you’re kind of easy.

–Garden of Eden, 14th Street

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