Violence

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing

Young boy to another, whispering: I’m gonna knock you off ,and then I’m gonna steal your M&Ms.

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: amused tourist

Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I’m going to come here and steal all the stop signs.

–Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Suriya

Angry queer suit as a Honda’s car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: C. Gray

Thug: Look, these glasses are f’real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!

–125th & Broadway

Hipster chick on cell: Why don’t you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?

–2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jake

Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it’s easier to steal things!

–11th & University

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham

…But Then We'd Be Late for Our Spa Appointment. Sophie's Choice!

Creepy dude, walking up to two college kids: Hey, you guys look pretty smart, can I ask you a question?
College guy: Uh, we can't um… help you.
Creepy dude: I'm not asking for money, I just have a question. So if someone like, is an accomplice in a kidnapping, are they just as liable as the person who did the actual kidnapping?
College guy: I think it depends.
Creepy dude: Great! Thanks. (creepy dude walks away)
College chick: Is this one of those, “if you see something, say something” moments? Maybe we should call a popo.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Where Are They Now?: Mr. Drummond

Hobo: Where the fuck is Park Avenue? What is going on? What the fuck? Where the fuck is Park Avenue?
Girl: If you just take a right at the next street and keep going, you’ll hit it.
Hobo: I don’t fucking care! If I had a gun I’d fucking shoot you! Pow!

–87th & 2nd

If Your Father Hadn’t Slapped Me, You Wouldn’t Have Been Born

Old woman: Mom, look at this bag. Isn’t it cute?
Really old woman: Ewww! No!

She slaps her daughter’s wrist.

Really old woman: It’s ugly! That color! You have no taste!
Old woman: Jeez, Mom. I just thought it would be a nice bag for spring. You didn’t have to slap me.
Really old woman: Now I won’t have to look at it! Or you!

–Lord and Taylor

Traditionally the 10th is Kicks

Guy #1: Tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what are you going to do?
Guy #1: I’m going to buy a new belt and beat my wife with it.

–Office, 28th & Park

Smells Like Teen Suicide

Girl: What if I Bobsted?
Guy: I can’t believe you are asking me this.
Girl: Do you think my parents would at least get the 50 thousand back?

–Hayden Hall Residence elevator, Washington Square West

Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: You keep talking over me–it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.

–Ray's Pizza, 52 & 8th

Overheard by: Jarett

Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as "that guy" and we'll see how long you stay conscious.

–33rd & 7th

Nervous man seated against the wall: I don't like this seat. I don't like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there's a fight? I don't want to be trapped in a place with a fight.

–Off-Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Hannah

Ghetto chick: Can't you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?

–W Train

Overheard by: sara n.

Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued…

Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?

–Chambers St

Overheard by: Shooty

Have You Forgetten Isadora Duncan?

Swarthy clerk to pretty girl: Why do you wear that scarf like that?
Pretty girl: Because it's pretty.
Swarthy clerk, smiling: Won't be so pretty when someone strangles you with it.

–167th St

Well, Those Are the Two Options

Chick: So, you’re working here now?
Barista guy: Well, had they taught me karate from a young age like they were supposed to I would be fighting shoguns in Japan right now.

–Park Slope coffee shop

Overheard by: kendell chambers

My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff

Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e-mail me, e-mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth!

–Atlantic Avenue gas station

Overheard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.

–Newark airport

Overheard by: jk

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