Couples

Wife: I don’t know what you’ve got to be so sad about. Your boss loves you, the kids love you, I love you, the dog loves you!

–JFK airport bar

Wife: Do whatever you want…it’s not my mother who died!

–JFK

Dumpy girl, holding Babeland shopping bag: Aren’t you glad we went there, sweetie?
Dumpy guy, holding same kind of bag: I’ll let you know later, babe.

–1 train

Woman: Why was the box of cereal in the bathroom with you this morning?
Man: What else was I gonna write on?

–Manhattan-bound D train

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Hungover girl #1: I can't believe how wasted we got last night.
Hungover girl #2: I know, I feel like shit. It's a nice day though.
Random neighbor: Oh… look! It's the two drunk girls that cursed me out last night.
Random neighbor's girlfriend: What did you do?

–Upper East Side

Chick: Oh, yeah, you were gonna call your mom.
Dude: I was?
Chick: Yeah — about your sister.
Dude: Oh, yeah. What did you want me to ask her?

–Union Square

Overheard by: The Antithesis

Janet Reno Day One-Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

–176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

–Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

–Broadway & 13th St

Wife: Is Ozzy Osbourne the one with the long blonde hair?
Husband: He's not blonde! He's done drugs his whole life!
Wife: Is he black?
Husband: No, you're thinking of Gene Simmons.
Wife: Oh, of course! (pause) No, I think I was thinking of Lady Gaga.

–BB King's, Times Square

Girlfriend: Wait, so they’re engaged?
Boyfriend: They’re engaged… in the Murray Hill sense.

–Duane Reade, 33rd & 3rd

Overheard by: mb

Boyfriend is trying to force-feed chocolate to his girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Stop, I don’t want it. It will make me fat, and you won’t want me.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but no one else will either.

–A train