Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn’t see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.

–City Hospital, Bronx

Lady facing sign reading “Security”: Excuse me — where can I find security?!
Hapless intern: Um…

–New York‐Presbyterian Hospital

Overheard by: i hate hospitals

Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.

–Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St

Overheard by: dlr

Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can’t just send random pills through the mail!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Strung out middle‐aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor’s appointment next week. He knows I’m on meth, but he can’t find out I’m on Xanax.

–E Train

Worried suit: …But I can’t be on Zoloft, so I don’t know what to do.

–E 14th St

Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.

–NYS Psychiatric Institute

Overheard by: nonrandomerror

Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season ‑you could tell.

–Oriental Garden

Man: Let me explain it to you. It’s like this…when I’m more than fifty miles from the city, I’m a bachelor again.
Woman: How’s that?
Man: Well, yeah…when I’m closer to the city, she hears shit. 

–24th & 8th

Patient: My breasts look like slot machines!

–NY Presbyterian Hospital, 61st & York

Overheard by: Johnny Drama

Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.

Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra‐Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart. 

Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all. 

–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue

Overheard by: capn midnite

Chick (walking in elevator and looking at others): Sorry for staring, but you all have blue eyes.
Blue‐eyed woman: Yeah, we’re all related.
Chick: Really?
Blue‐eyed woman: Uh, no.
Blue‐eyed man: But don’t worry, we’ll be nice to you when we take over.

–Elevator, Roosevelt Hospital

Tall man to fat woman (after pouring two glasses of water): You want a glass?
Fat woman: No, thanks.
Tall man: God told me to pour two glasses. He talks to me all the time.
Fat woman: Okay, if your god told you, I have to take it.

–Montefiore Medical Center

Overheard by: Juantanom Bay

Man: I’m in pain! Nurse, nurse!
Nurse, to herself: Dammit, nigga, I just fucking gave you morphine!

–Albert Einstein Hospital