Guy: How do you know I don't have a uterus?
Girl: Because you're too skinny to have one!

–Rooftop Party, South Williamsburg

Overheard by: wombat

Boyfriend is trying to force-feed chocolate to his girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Stop, I don’t want it. It will make me fat, and you won’t want me.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but no one else will either.

–A train

(two obese out-of-towners take up four seats on the subway)
Fat man #1: They should really make these seats for Americans.
Fat man #2: The problem with these trains is that they're built in Canada with a Japanese design.

–Grand Central Shuttle

Overheard by: Porky Pig

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.


Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can't eat that! It's a carb!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Briguy

Guy: This sweater is huge!
Girl: Get fat.
Salesguy: Ha, ha! Wow, I needed that.

–Bloomingdale’s, 59th & 3rd

Woman #1: How many potatoes should I get? Like, three?
Woman #2, shrieking: Three? Three?! Are you serious? Have you seen your husband lately?
Woman #1, confused: Four?
Woman #1: He eats more than I eat in a year! He's huge! You'll need at least fifteen potatoes!
Woman #2: Yeah, I guess you're right.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Sarah

Middle-aged woman: So, is she, like, skinny pregnant?
Friend: Yes, she looks like a model.
Middle-aged woman: Good, there is just no excuse to gain weight during pregnancy.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: except for having a baby inside of you?

Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.

–Central Park

Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!


Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!

–10th St & Broadway

Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.


Four-year-old girl reading tag on the platform: B-A-C-K-F-A-T!
Supportive dad: Yeah, honey! That spells ‘back fat’!

–Ft. Hamilton Pkwy station

Overheard by: howardbannister