Woman: Can I get 2 pretzels to go?
Cart guy: To go? As opposed to what, eat in?
–Food cart, 52nd & 5th
Overheard by: Evan
Woman: Can I get 2 pretzels to go?
Cart guy: To go? As opposed to what, eat in?
–Food cart, 52nd & 5th
Overheard by: Evan
Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I’ve got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won’t need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds’ used steroid needles. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook…Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won’t need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey!
–D train
Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.
–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court
Overheard by: NTA
Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.
–2nd St & Ave B
Overheard by: Max Berlinger
Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial
Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]
–1 Train
Overheard by: Subway rider
Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.
–Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Alina
College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!
–Broome St
Overheard by: YJL
Comedy show ticket hawker: Hey, come to a comedy show. It will be fun! C’mon!
Gary Gulman: Dude, I’m Gary Gulman!
–Outside IFC Center, 6th Ave
Guy: So how come you were late today?
Girl: I really had to take a dump, otherwise my downward-facing dog was gonna be a non-housebroken one.
–Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Daniel Motta
Comedy Club guy: Hey, do you girls want to come to a great comedy show?
Girl: No thanks.
Comedy Club guy: Oh, no, not with me. I’m gay.
–Penn Station
Comedy promoter guy: Gentlemen, are you interested in seeing some comedy?
Guy: I’ve already seen your shitty show!
–78th & Broadway
Promoter guy: Stand-up comedy! Are you interested in seeing some stand-up comedy tonight? Hey, I’m asking you a question.
Dude: Oh, no thanks.
Promoter guy: Oh, well, we also have stand-up misery.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Adam Robbins
Guy: Hey, this might sound creepy but I have a picture of you on my wall.
Jon Stewart: That is creepy. Do you live in a comedy club?
–Cupcake Cafe, 18th & 26th
Stand-up “Comic”: So did you all hear this? Hitler was gay, apparently.
Heckler: No, Hitler was Jewish!
–Comedy Cellar, MacDougal Street
Overheard by: Chris