Vendsday One‐Liners

Perfume guy: Gucci! Gucci! Gucci’ll get you a hoochie!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: alison

Woman selling belongings on street: Look here, deodorant! Brand new! One dollar.

–44^th, between Lex & 3^rd

Hawker with “Cheney/Satan ‘08” bumper stickers: Inappropriate stickers here!

–Outside Grand Central

Musician to passerby eating cookie: If you like cookies, you’ll love my new album!

–9^th & 6^th

Overheard by: Gil

AM New York lady to another: Bitch, don’t be comin’ over here! AM New York, people — get your AM New York! Fuck you, you bitch, I been here since seven AM every day this week. Don’t be givin’ me that shit. Get your lazy ass off my corner ‘fore I cut you! Fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! AM New York, people, AM New York…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BJ

Comedy hawker: Free bag of marijuana with your purchase! Yaaay!

–43^rd & 7^th

Overheard by: Sarah R

Posted on April 2, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Advice, Comedians, Default, Etiquette, Ghetto Chicks, Grand Central, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Music, Musicians, Offers and requests, Penn Station, Store, Threats, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence, Weed, Weirdness, Women, Words

Poor Guy. I Didn’t Have the Heart to Tell Him He’ll Be Dead in Hours

Stand‐up comedy promoter: That’s right folks! I’m not scary.
Teen girl: Riiight.
Stand‐up comedy promoter, screaming after her: I don’t bite! I don’t have rabies! I took medication, and they said I’d be okay!

–Outside MTV store

Posted on March 17, 2007
Comedians, Illness, Times Square

Wednesday One‐Liners Are on Red Alert

Guy accepting donations: Help feed the homeless! Even terrorists can help feed the homeless!

–34^th & 7^th

Overheard by: sugar ray mcgrath

Hobo: If you see an unattended bag or package, please report it to the nearest New York Police Officer or MTA worker. If one is not around, tell me. I’ll open that shit up.

–4 train, Fulton St

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo, to tourist family taking group photo: Terrorist! Terrorist! Terrorist!

–C Train, 72^nd St

Overheard by: Barry P.

British tourist: But there were two Empire State buildings, right? That fell?

–WTC site

Overheard by: J Bird

Girl: Last night, I was so drunk I forgot about ⁹⁄₁₁.

–NYU

Overheard by: Bronwyn

Lady to nervous woman: Can I ask you a question? I ain’t a terrorist or nothin’. I’m from New Haven.

–111^th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

British bloke: You mean they don’t have any missiles here, in Manhattan?

–Grand & Broadway

Overheard by: jcm

Posted on October 4, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Comedians, Drinking & Drunk People, Foreigners, Ground Zero, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nice People, NYU, On the Subway, Terrorism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Kind of Your Job, Stephen. Ours, Too.

Stephen Colbert: Coxsackie. It’s something that kids get when they eat their poop, or even worse, someone else’s poop. It’s highly contagious. For instance, in those playpens, with the plastic balls? Sometimes they lick the balls, and they get coxsackie…God, that sounded so wrong.

–The Colbert Report studio, 54^th & 10^th

Overheard by: future gyno

Posted on August 8, 2006
B-List, Buildings, Comedians, Illness, Men, Poop, TV, Words

She’s Mastered Basting in the Kitchen

Mom: …so I was making a roast, but the thing was that I only had chicken stock gravy. Chicken stock gravy! So I used it! On the beef!
Chick: You live on the edge, Mom.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: djlindee

Posted on January 23, 2006
Comedians, Food, Moms, Penn Station, Train Station

15% More for the Waiter

A guy stands up and vomits in the middle of the restaurant.

Guy #2: Seriously…you might wanna rethink this All‐You‐Can‐Drink Sunday buffet.

–Candela, East 16^th Street

Posted on January 22, 2006
Advice, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comedians, Vomit

That Soda’ll Make You Giggle Before Those Hacks

Comedy Pamphlet man: Do you guys want to get drunk and laugh your asses off?
Guy: Sorry, we’re under 21.
Comedy Pamphlet man: How about some soda and a giggle?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Cody Wymore

Posted on October 6, 2005
Comedians, Drinking & Drunk People, Times Square

There’s a Keebler Elf Graveyard Up in There

A fat girl’s belly is pooling over the top of her jeans.

Guy: Hey, check out her muffin tops.
Girl: Dude, those aren’t muffin tops; they’re a whole cake explosion.

–N train

Overheard by: Tina

Posted on July 29, 2005
Body Parts, Comedians, Diet/Weight, On the Subway, Skinny People

Soft Pretzels, Hard Questions

Woman: Can I get 2 pretzels to go?
Cart guy: To go? As opposed to what, eat in?

–Food cart, 52^nd & 5^th

Overheard by: Evan

Posted on April 22, 2005
Comedians, Food, Idiots, Philosophy, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Women

Our City is Better Than Yours, and Here’s Why

Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I’ve got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won’t need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds’ used steroid needles. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook…Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won’t need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey!

–D train

Posted on February 3, 2005
Comedians, Drugs, Hobos, Homeless, On the Subway, School and studying

Comedians