Crazy lady: I hate my fucking mother and I want to kill her. I want to watch her bleed. She is a fat lazy bitch. She was nothing but a container!
Guy: God will not forgive you if you kill your mother. Can you also keep it down please?
–PATH train
Overheard by: JMK
Guy #1: What the fuck is it, walk slow day?
Woman: Yes, it’s walk slow day, I’m from New Yo–
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up. I’m from 106 and Lex. I’ll cut you…See, that’s how you gotta do it. The second some crabby lady starts, you just say, “shut the fuck up.” Escalate immediately.
–Spring & Broadway
Two kids find a pocket knife on the train.
Older sister: Yo, I’m gonna bring that shit to school tomorrow!
The younger brother wipes it off with his shirt.
Older sister: No, you gotta leave the dirt on it. Then when I cut that bitch, her face will get all infected and shit.
–F train
Overheard by: erik
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"
–4 Train
Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don’t know. Hell’s Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem’s still bad, but it’s not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!
–37th St & Madison
Overheard by: catching a train
Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?
–N Train
Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!
–Uptown R Train
Overheard by: Anna P.
20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.
–Bleecker & 11th
Overheard by: Imma club you
Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.
–Union Square
Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.
–V Train
Ghetto girl #1: I'ma fuck her up! I'ma cut that bitch!
Ghetto boy: You gon' kill her?
Ghetto girl #1: Nah, I'ma cut her!
Ghetto girl #2: You can't do that, thas' ya ex!
Ghetto girl #1: Exactly! Thas' why I'ma fuck her up. She broke up with me!
–G Train
Older lady: I slit my brother's throat one time.
Guy: Uhhh…
Older lady: Well, I didn't mean to… It was kind of an accident.
Guy: These things happen…
–Bus Stop, Priest & Elliot
Overheard by: Trent
Woman: This is the second time I been to New York, though, ’cause last time my girl was like, “Do you like the nightlife?” and I said, “Yeah,” and she was like, “Then you gotta get to the city, bitch,” and I got arrested for smoking a blunt on someone’s brownstone.
Man: That’s terrible.
Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the second time I got arrested, you know, so it was like no big deal.
Man: What happened the first time?
Girl: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding. I was like 14, and I was wit’ ma man, and we was having words–like, we was having a disagreement–and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a misunderstanding.
–Chinatown bus
Overheard by: Fung Wahhahahahaha
Comedian guy with flyer: Girl, you have some sexy nostrils!
–Broadway
Gay man to another: Next Halloween I am going to be a sexy tub of lard.
–Broadway & Spring
20-something hot girl on cell: So, like, Kristin was supposed to go as a water-boarding torture victim, which is hilarious, but then, she like, um, shows up as a *sexy* water-boarding torture victim, which is better than being, like, all gross and frumpy. But come on… that's not funny.
–Q Train
Creepy old man: When I was was a kid… Coney Island was hot! I mean "sexy." I mean it was… Bam!
–Neptune Ave
Overheard by: taylor
Girl on cell: It's really not like a sexy stabbing.
–Centre St
